Thursday, October 30, 2008

In between all the other bullshit happening today, I stop to read an article about a French film/book called "Le Cliente". It centers around the new acceptance in French culture of older women getting a sexual revolution: they're going after the sex for pleasure. That's the gist of the article...Well, I read down to the last section and the characters in the book are described: the female protagonist's name is Mr. W's pet name for me. I just welled up and cried right there.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Not keeping current with posts. Some neutral days and some severely distressed days in the mix. I still miss him - the 1 year gone date passed and the week leading up was tough to get through. I feel pretty hopeless and stuck thinking that's the best I was ever going to get. Look at the dregs that I have to compare it with!

more advice column trimmings:

I know it's hard to walk away from someone you love, but it's time to start thinking about walking toward something better. You deserve a man who loves you just as passionately as you love him. When you find it, you will see that reciprocated love is so much more deep and fulfilling than one-sided love.

Friday, September 19, 2008

I realized the other day that Mr. W. sent me that Dear Jane email on his birthday. He would say that to him, holidays are just another day, but maybe that was part of why he was so down? Reading his emails made me cry again. I don't mean to give life to false hope but he also wrote about my helping him being connected with my seeing him; that if we weren't then there was no reason to help him. I would still want to help him, even if I was doing it just to make myself feel good about it, but the way the situation is I can't help him if he won't even do anything. Stupid OCD.

Had another chat flake-out. I knew it would. He was just some guy that was rude from the start. Then he had the nerve to strike up conversation and didn't even remember that he was rude before. I was in the mood to just go ahead with it all, but with no further message from him, it was unlikely to go anywhere. So, stood up on a Friday again. I didn't even prep I was so sure of this happening.

I'm at work and just overwhelmed by lack of desire to do anything. I just feel so sad. And now I'm crying again... I miss you.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Today it's a year since I saw Mr. W.

Maybe I'm doing better, or I've yet to come to terms with it. I feel sadness, but am not crying over it.

Nothing's eve come of the wild schemes to go see him. I know that I'm afraid of more hurt if it went wrong...

I just feel inert and quiet.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Running out of old emails from Mr. W. to re-read. I try and remember what I had felt a year ago when I read them for the first time, while it was happening. The incident with this last "disappear" loser guy has shaken my confidence badly. I have to admit that I was quite blindsided by the casual cruelty that some people can have. If I give my all, what does it mean when it's so utterly rejected?

I think back to the times Mr. W. kissed my neck from actually happened twice. The first time, I was in utter was a fantasy approach that was being fulfilled and internally I was exulting that it was happening without Mr. W. ever having a clue that I was having a geek moment! The second time I still was hyper aware of it happening, yet I was able to just enjoy the moment. I was able to think that I could have that thrill in that moment, that I could deserve to enjoy it? Only now it's taken away from me.

I'm probably in denial...I try to convince myelf that I'm not even angry with him, that I'm just sad that he chose to go away. Even if he reconciled with me (off in fantasy land again) I know that I would not be able to stay with him. It doesn't stop me from suffering.

I miss him. I don't have any joy anymore. Things are pretty bleak.

What if it was my only opportunity? I'm in a cruel stroke of midnight transformation in a ways...the PCOS is taking hold again, I can't stop aging of course...what if that's all I get?

Thursday, August 14, 2008

I'm so lonely.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

If I had any determination, I'd use this recent snub to ensure that it's the last fucktard that gets away with it.

It occurs to me to send him bogus exterminator notices for bedbug treatments with deadlines that must be kept. Or send flyers to his neighbors that he has them and he's refusing access to treat for them. Most diabolical of all would be to actually get them and chauffer them into the apartment under his door.

Gifts? Hmpf. A bottle of skunky beer and a packet of rat poison bait. Drink up and have a snack - you rat!

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Just for the record, both Mr. Fade AND the new guy suddenly popped up out of the woodwork. I told Mr. Fade that I'd honestly tagged him as MIA and he seemed surprised by it...he told me to call him too. Sigh. I gave new guy the online benefit of the doubt and gave him another go... and don't you know it was worse than before? Sigh. Again the "oh, look at the time-gotta go feeling" and that's just not going to work for me. Goodbye, Mr. Fade, goodbye new guy...

There's always a next person, right? ... that's what other people say, but it's not how I like it. Still, I have no choice, so I went back to the start and gamely cast out again. Followed up on a new message from a new someone that wanted to give it a go...he had a preference that he wanted to just meet. I did all the preliminary setups and warning and still got a good to go. That planned out Friday afternoon, I got last minute notice to pick up the cat's ashes from the vet's office and because of that had to reroute like crazy to still keep the meeting. I called him and updated as to the delay, all the proper things one should do when one is late to anything...I even brought a small pastry box to make nice.

He changed where to meet: not good, not bad...his local bar he said, the home away from home. Met up and things were supposededly smooth; we talked, watched baseball, he had some beers, he seemed candid and ok. (in retrospect, maybe there was a case of "beer goggles at play there.) We did more... I offered my usual everything. I thought things went well; we spoke by IM the next day, and the day after that too. A second meet was even arranged to the point where I was in IM conversation with him just the afternoon before. To my utter despair, the next night I found that it was not to be. I called him after work (5:32 pm). And called him (6:47 pm). AND called him (7:25 pm). Three times over the course of the early evening and didn't get any response and absolutely nothing else since. It's a lousy case of "disappear", and though I may be left saying "I don't know why...?", of course, I sure that I really do know why. He's either "near death in hospital" or he's a jerk and I'm pretty sure it's not the "near death" answer!

I'm not poor or a golddigger. I'm not an immigrant looking for a place or a greencard. I'm a nice person and I only wanted to be nice. The disappointment's been tearing me up all day now. Too fast, I somehow even had the time to think I'd invite him to my real life as well, as he was freely giving information regarding his.

Pipedreams. Stuff and Nonsense. I'm just a fool. It passed through my head that it's a good time to cancel the account, lose the ID, tell people goodbye. All this time, the effort and I'm nowhere still. Every miss batters hope out of me until I'm crushed.
My cat died on July 20th. Still adjusting to not having the furball around. Oh sadness...

Having him cremated even though the remains are truly no comfort to have.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I tried to save another person. Well, at least I tried to help them with money. A new addition to the office flock; just here a few months, maybe on the job 5 months, tops. She had such drama going on in her life...sick husband, young children left back home...She used to spend days just sniffling at her desk - it was maddening, I swear. Long story short, I passed her a certain amount of cash that she used to go home with. I waffle between feeling useful and being pawned. I'm indifferent most other times...I think if it was me, I would want someone to do for me? But I never get the good end of the stick it seems.

My other coworker at the job found out that I'd done the good deed and she made mention that she admired me for it - why? it's just cash? - and that I'd be blessed for it. I truthfully told her, no I don't think that'd be so... And privately to myself, I know it's not a blessing because I'm in hell. I'm still hurting over Mr. W. with sadness lately, that becomes paralysing.

The sad thoughts are obsessing in my head at times. I say as a mantra, "I hate my life" to defuse it from howling out of me, but still often just wish that I could be gone, be dead. It's stupid of course, but sometimes the thought of relief is just so compelling. If it was easier to do, then there'd be the potential, but I'm too nerdy, too cowardly. I'd have more chance if I was a farmkid in Nebraska in winter of it happening.

I wish I could tell him that I miss him, but there's no use. I mean I could, but the meaning would never matter, never reach him, make no difference. It won't change anything, it's just weakness, he'd be the upper hand position knowing I'm still whimpering in Brooklyn after all this time. Maybe he'd just pity me... Arrgh.

No new connections made.

I caved and saw Mr. A. yet again. Bad as always, so much that it's almost a routine by now. He's just clueless: I asked him to give me a lovebite and I doubt that he even registered that I squirmed more from that than ANYTHING he's ever done. No effort on his part to do anything to even vary it beyond the bite. Sigh, it was just frustrating. To make matters just so sweet, the other day, I was the one who actually invited him via IM to go see a movie. No response was forthcoming, so I got steamed and that has chilled things ever since. He claimed miscommunication from my offer - You better believe that there was buddy! - and have noticed that he's not popping up to chat as much as before, so hopefully he's getting the message to just leave me alone. I don't miss him very much and I never was the one to initiate convo with him. Perhapos his ego is bruised? He's the stupid jerk for not seeing a SINCERE offer when I really, really wanted a friend to be with. I went out and saw the movie MYSELF!

The non-contact guy sent a hello my way... almost 2 months later! Pffft.

Mrs. S. is contacting from her overseas spot...spouting more conspiracy crap and just hounding me to support her in her misguided fury against the imaginary forces that plague her. I'm exhausted by her antics and she's pissing me off with her stalking me by phone at home, work and cellphone in my pocket. Nice direct line to crazy I have there...

One of the cats is dying, and I'm just a terrible, terrible pet owner. misery all around me.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Mr. W. if you only knew how much I think of you, how much I truly miss you... If only it mattered, really. Oh, how I wish that I mattered to you.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

How pathetic is my life? Fantasizing about a lover that left me.. and that's all that I've got. Remembering the things I liked over and over but knowing too that I'll never have them again? And the memory fades of course, so you never really do have the true sensation of it again. Anguish on a deeply personal level. I cried in the shower thinking, what if it was all a lie, everything?! Why did I trust him so much? Why do I trust almost everyone so much?! Does it make any difference if everything was true or not...just questions about my judgement of him as a good person. It could be possible he hated the guilt of telling untold number of lies and couldn't face it any more? Just thought I was repellent and still used me?

I checked my IM service at the late hour of 3AM; figured I was steeled that I could handle the stress of seeing what message or lack thereof awaited me. There was none, which I'd thought pretty likely to one really talks to me anymore. I did see an IM message from Mr. fade that popped up; an IM that said hello, to which I only picked out a smiley icon to wave as a reply, replied "fine" to a query of how are you and I left without chatting. Ever polite, I stated I wasn't staying on, before going. I will not play the object of last resort to you!! He had a too slow reply of "why not?" that showed when I next signed in.

Still, it hurts to have just empty arms and phantom kisses. When will I stop crying this time?

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Just not in the mood to make the effort to vent these days. Too lazy to type or less anguish to pour out maybe? Or I'm just stuck in a numb phase, you know, the depression where you've lost interest in things you once liked? Not much moves me these days; I'm very overworked and stressed out. I'm eating more and more. I have had several bad days in a row where I just feel utterly miserable and can't muster the will to move. I go to work, I stay late, I go home and sleep and do it again the next day. I had another "snap" at work when the boss just kept loading me up with tasks and I sobbed at the desk at one point for about 10 mins. In front of co-workers!

The useless fade-out guy's out of the picture; the most he offered was a cam view that he probably was sharing... I know the type. I tried a new person out and it went ok but then fizzled out. Again no feeling of closeness and then you get the feeling that they just can't get away soon enough. That he never contacted again sort of got under my skin: I mean, how rude! Oh, and then when Mr. A. sends a message asking what am I doing that Saturday evening day and he suggests some vague beach description (which, for the record is the first ever suggestion of some other activity to do) he got all bent out of shape with me when I declined again. I've been politely declining his plans... he only ever sends them via IM, so for just that reason I know I'm not valued. In an IM he asked what the heck was going on. Again, he asks, am I mad at him or something? (I tell him no, but really I mean, Yes, sex with you is lousy for me and I'm tired of wasting effort on a lost cause.) Why? Because I've rebuffed his overtures and it's been two months. I've been getting into the habit of just going online into a site's chatrooms and lingering around just to feel like I am with people - it's really pathetic behavior, because ultimately, it doesn't even give me any comfort. It has a small side effect of allowing me to be online and allowing others to view my profile for the site. (I did finally scrape something together for anew profile, but it's dark again for the moment as I try to regroup yet again.) So, I was was responding to Mr. A's IM chat while I was doing yet another weekend afternoon of living online. I was literally flat on my back, prostrate with no will to move and I have to put up with his nonsense accusations that I'm doing it on purpose to get him frazzled. I as much told him that I didn't appreciate that kind of BS accusation and I shut down the IM. Wonder of wonders, it's been about a week that I haven't opened the application up. I miss the communication with others that it offered, but it's a small step to cutting down the internet addiction.

Still thinking of Mr. W. In fact, I've been overly weepy about it. I just tell myself that I must be no good, that I can't possible be wanted. Look at my miserable failures with men! They only like having their needs met...I can't even get the touching that I need. Not a bite. Can't even imagine him missing me. Just wallowing while thinking of him all the time. I MISS HIM. I would go see him, to finish the plans I had to pass the book to him, pathetic attempt for closure, but I'd hate to see the look of contempt, of annoyance from him for going that far. It would crush me.

Idle thought that I'll soon have to change my outlook to how to live as a spinster. Grow old alone and unloved. Won't even have a body to offer, I'll be truly invisible.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The new guy hasn't worked out. Nothing from that one time, just some insipid messages. Even snarked a bit at me when I even mentioned that I wondered if he was really interested. Tells me "when i am not how bout i tell you" - But dude, it's not what you say, it's what you do. Yet another instance of the slow fade. Sigh. Just a lot of false ...well, can I even call it "hope"? I know that I saw it coming, but I do wish I was wrong, just a little bit.

I'm missing Mr. W. right now, this very instant. Just sad and sorrowful. But he's just a guy. I did come to that acceptance the other day. Pass a few tears, feel sorry for myself and trudge onwards. It's not gonna happen for me so learn to live without it...I'll just indulge in the luxury of shedding a few more tears just a little while longer.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Well, alone on a Friday night again.

I really shouldn't care, right?

Just disappointment.

I learned a bit how to convert online music videos into audio files. Funny, how once you can get a large quantity of something, you can't think straight to choose? I can't think of more than a handful of files that I'd even need to get.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Birthday's come and gone. Feeling kinda OLD, but not too bad, I guess. Concerned that the next milestone is just down the road a ways and then it'll be all "Where did the time go?!?" regrets.

Busy time since last post. Things have happened, but not sure if the attention span will last long enough to cover it all.

Mission to meet the new person a success...sort of. The meet progressed well; however he seems very white-collar, pretty tightly wrapped. Came through on most points of conversation, still failed on two, three things...almost four. Didn't make me feel completely "welcomed" is sorta the only way to describe it? Not overtly, but no closeness developed... perhaps as a result of first time meeting jitters. Also didn't see me the whole way through, so to speak. No message till late the following day... so have the wait and see attitude now if he'll continue respectful contact or just fade away. Verdict so far is only Good, not Great. Sigh. (And oh, look he just sent me a message, but the content was of no significance... so what to do with that now?!?)

The result of this all is that my mood is that I feel lonely right now... stuck listening to versions of Eric Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight" and wishing that someone had that caring regard in the song for me.

I hadn't felt as much pain these days for missing Mr. W. At least, I thought it might be under control, fading little by little perhaps, but it revived a bit as I put myself through the wringer again by thinking of him. Didn't do the surprise visit like I had thought of doing... I put it off in part because I know within me, or fear within me that it's a doomed gesture. I ... passed copies of health info that I'd gathered for him, to a coworker. It was the first time I'd looked through the small stack and as I looked it over, I did start to cry a little right then and there...sad that he wouldn't get care, that he wouldn't listen, that he left me. I cried again later after reading a few old emails again today, still keeping up with the daily review of the old emails, and I had sad thoughts again as a result.

Stress and more stress at work. I should really get back on the happy pills. Perhaps they'd uplift me again? At least keep the "I wish I was dead!" thoughts out of mind, the visions of slashing myself so that all my blood flows out taking all the pain with it too - lol, very melodramatic, isn't it?

Ms. S. wandered into hospital and they saw fit to keep her there. Huzzah! Now if only they can successfully treat her?! After all this drama, I'm just indifferent. I can't be responsible for her care at this point.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Tax time. I plugged in the software and got started on the filing for this year. Sigh. In excess of concern for his welfare, I broke down and emailed Mr. W to inform him of the available tax rebate for this year's income tax filers. Urged him to consider filing, to file for his mom too, with links and highlighted cut and pastes from the IRS site. No it's at least the second email since, that has no reply or acknowledgement. Oh, Ow...

Was chatting with that last guy prospect a bit. He seems to be interested, and is very chatty...I'm just leery of believing it's all good news and stuff. He was hinting more and more that one should be open minded and that ALWAYS raises red flags. At this point, I've become expert at the faintest whiff of BS regarding what people have on their hookup minds.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Gotta wonder how things get solved in this life. I confess that I had a small personal problem. I occasionally noticed I had a odor problem in the VaJayjay area, period of time unknown - 8 months? 10 months?. Being that I wash up as a through scrubber - I'd wash, scrub and rinse things over thoroughly before meeting anyone where'd there'd be clothes removed - It was only a minor embarassment issue. I do have a gynecologist, and she'd helped me with all the major STD issues checked out just the other month. I'd mentioned a problem, plus a slight discharge, but she may have simply overlooked the problem in the surge to discount the potential majors that I might have been at risk for. So the problem continued. I looked up info online again, I had an idea that it was bacterial vaginosis because of the odor issue...and I read about 5 pages before I realized that I could treat it myself. I even read so well that I confirmed the diagnosis wih what was called a whiff test: a fishy odor will be produced if vaginal secretion is combined with semen or semen available, but soaping in the shower definitely resulted in this response on a fingertip. The cure was metronizadole and fantastically, it was stuff that one of the housecats was supposed to be on. No, I didn't take the cat's pills from the vet! The cat was prescribed it for a gut problem, and I'd picked up a bottle of 100 pills off of the internet that was supposed to treat a tropical fish disease (amusingly enough , it's intended to treat "hole-in-the-head disease.) It's exactly the same stuff. I've checked it out online by viewing pictures of the pills on pharmacy sites, sites that specifically exist to identify pills and theirshapes, colors and codes, and with examination of the uncut pills from the vet's office. At the price, the 100 pills was cheaper than the $8.00 for 10 from the vet's office. I read more pages on the internet looking for dosage and eventually found it at 500 mg so I went with 2 250 mg pills for a week...3-4 days later the problem is gone.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

I give up. There's no goodness out there anymore. I was in contact with one more guy and things had actually progressed better than the usual scum floating on the online dating pool. He seemed positive, and I even let myself anticipate going forward with this. Then, just like the others, I get the cancel communique. Sigh. In the actual moment it just hurt a little, I was deflated as I listened to him tell me it's not anything we spoke about, it's not you, we'll reschedule and still do this, he'll make it up to me...I wasn't even having that numbess response. I mean, at best I'd been hoping for a "can't wait to see you" message, a "looking forward to it message"...only to get the slapdown again.

I couldn't even process the pain yet, it's only now seeping out a little. What's the point of yelling and screaming...I don't even know the guy to even miss him. I guess that I will take that break I was considering: I'd taken his message as just one more chance before going on a hiatus. No better excuse than this turn of events, no?

Had one Mr. W. trigger that almost set me off...thinking of his ocean pic again. It's all I have left. It's all that I have left! It's all that I have left...

Friday, March 28, 2008

I'm surprised that I even get up out of bed every day. Where do I get the will to function? The trolling for dates disappointments continue. More no-shows and losers. Ha, Mr. A. even popped in with a "Are you avoiding me?" query. No, I was actually busy with work and basically you've ceased to exist for me...not too harsh is it?

Tonight some stranger messaged me...stating he was looking for a hottie that could be a soulmate. I take all these opening lines with a boulder size grain of salt and usually reply with a "hon, you've reached a plus size gal" opening line and let it go from there. He was prob thrilled to even get a living response so he continued to question me and past the 5 min mark, I sent him my usual tame photo. Bugger then had nerve to ask for a second photo to see my face better: I am so used to people just happening to "forget" to reciprocate that this time, I actually taunted him as to where was his in this exchange. He did send one eventually, and he's not my type at all...but to be ever fair, I sent him a clear shot, only to receive a response of "I'm still undecided" from the boor. No problem jerkweed, I'll be happy to make the decision for us both! Goodluck and goodbye.

supposed to have met some stranger tomorrow, one that kept contacting me...but as I tried to send him a message asking if it was still on tomorrow, don't you know he ignored me? I even sent several times just hello and hi and still nothing. I opened other windows and they all worked, so so much for that BS. Useless, useless wastes of time. Just whimper more about needs and cravings, swallow the contents of the cupboards and fridge in a vain attempt to satisfy the ache.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Trolling has panned out yet again. Some flakeouts wandered back: one was obviously a local young frum Jew that wanted to get another chance after canceling on me a week ago, another was just a random old guy who didn't send any email, and now just didn't answer any calls to the number he provided, thus flaking out a second time! Sigh. I'd jumped yet again back into chat with a determined mind set only to encounter one case where the person I started talking to was a likely prospect...until he revealed that he was married, and he swiftly left conversation upon being told I don't look for that type. Damned weasel.

Left stuck talking to the sleazy loser pervs that keep persisting in their efforts to have me give up revealing photos for their perusement...For them to acertain if there's any "chemistry" that will be revealed by photos. Bad enough to humilate myself by having to tell them in pre-emptive chat strikes that I'm a fat chick, I'm bluntly told by some that I have to submit photos for approval before they deign to consort with me. Go to hell, jerks!

Ohh, I miss you Mr. W. I could and do weep for the loneliness and hopelessness that I go through all the time since losing you.

News from Mrs. P. regarding the ever insane Ms. S. Ms. S. has apparently blown a gasket and somehow hopped BACK into the States with children in tow, in violation of custody arrangements and international laws and such. So now it's a Federal issue and I honestly can't wait for the authorities to toss her in jail and hopefully commit her for her medical issues. Enough already, you crazy bitch! Troublemaker... and not the least of which is that I have all the parts for her stupid guardian angel jewelry obsession now sitting here without a purpose. Another hundred dollars down the tubes. It'll be such fun showing them to her from across a prison window... good god.

Monday, March 24, 2008

While waiting for a bus home, it came to mind that as a scifi fan, I know of the proposed existence of parallel universes, infinite in number. Therefore in that line of thought, there is one universe where everything is the same as the one I exist in, but in that other universe, there's a Mr. W. welcoming the equivalent of me. Ow, did that give me a pain to wince over. Talk about reaching for misery...

Friday, March 21, 2008

Been trolling the internet dating options again. I'm talking to people, actually passing the phone number to some of them. I made chat plans to meet some of these men knowing that the odds of them doing anything are ZERO. Stupid flake-outs: I had arranged for Wed, Thurs and Friday and they all caved. Ok, one of them may be my fault: I was passing email address info and the site may have been blocking the transmisson of the information. One of them was actually proactive enough to say it in an IM message, but still gets zero for the end result.

I talked with a few others who just question and question me...the mental sniffers. Oh they're all talk, but they never come through. Put up or shut up, I can't bear these on the fence losers!

I've been moderating the frustration with shopping. I bought new jeans, new shoes, new shirts, new bras, new socks... I'm running out of goods to consume and diverting funds that should be applied to debt.

I even picked up the stupid guardian angel jewelry for Ms. S. Her only attempt at contact was the other Sunday: left a message basically saying did I buy it yet. Fucking bitch! Why don't you try working my work schedule and go shopping with your own money if you want it so fast?! Yet I'm the chump who's spending 100 dollars on this USESLESS crap you think you need. I'm sure in a paranoid frenzy she's going to lose them anywy.

I was on the train the other day on a night time shopping trip and a feeling of sadness came over me. I missed Mr. W. and just had to fight to modulate it down. I cried much later at home as I looked at his pic: just squeezed out tears that he chooses to do this. It's deliberate and nothing I can do matters. I'm just not wanted enough.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Went out shopping with Mrs. P. and daughter again. I just feel no empathy anytime the child fusses: I just feel that the kid should be corrected and things should continue from there! Ugh...everyone's kid is ALWAYS the best KID ever brought into the world... Parenthood must foster delusions too!

I'm so lonely. Still missing Mr. W. It's been nonstop recently. I feel the loss of company so keenly. So many things bring him to mind, and I'm still gazing at the ocean photo in sadness.

If he's so good, why is he not here?

I wonder idly if he even misses me? Probably not. I'm sure he's moved on at this point, it hasn't affected him because hey, there's always someone else to meet, right?

Me, I'm just back to nothing again. It should really be familiar territory, but not able to cram all of myself back into the old form, not that I expected to be able to either. I miss him, I miss him...when will it stop aching?

Standing on a nice sunny pre spring day in Manhattan and all I can feel is emptiness that I am not good enough to keep.

Stuck in a baby goods store, with couples, asian female/caucasion male couples to give the extra dig too!, prgenant moms, new family units shopping out furniture, diapers, and all sorts of's a wonder I don't just implode or something. It's not going to happen for me. No boyfriend, no babies, no car, no shared vacations...all the normal stuff is not for me.

It ocurred to me that I'm living with a albatross curse: I can see the future and it can't be changed: it's terrible to be cursed to know.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Ms. S with her paranoia & paranoid delusions called yet again...She was actually calling to say thank you for my scanning of documents for her and apparantly wanted to ask a favor...By chance, the call launched into the long-coming, albeit impromptu, "You Need A Psychologist" talk. She's been so crazy lately in her emails to Mrs. P.

Uggh. She was belligerent, rambling on and on about how unfair it was that she was always being labelled crazy. I couldn't out argue her, she'd make outlandish claims and in total belief of them too. I could only urge that she go to a qualified psychologist.

She mentioned she'd love to have someone come stay with her - for support. Like anyone has the time to drop and stay with her scattered ass...

She asked for me to get her guardian angel jewelry for the kids: and in the same conversation expressed some belief that I have some vast fortune socked away to use at whim.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

So I was totally stir crazy again. It's a week till I hit cycle and I was weak; I foolishly took the only option I had open for sex again. I went out with Mr. A. again. It was exactly as bad as I predicted it could be: unsatisfying, and just a waste of time. Again no reward, not even as I made sure to steer action towards having even a chance of it happen. I am so disappointed.

I missed Mr. W. so keenly at so many times that's it's enough to convince that I shouldn't plan on ever seeing Mr. A. again and I'll have to find some way to get the message thru to him. Who knows, maybe some level of shame at his own performance will shoo him off.

No reward, he gets B O when he sweats, he kisses like a fish, no reciprication, he tastes terrible...he's fat and small in the equipment dept. to boot. What a waste of effort from me. Truly a miserable time.

After a speedy 1st round that he wasn't able to perform as requested : "Don't you like it on top?" No - because I do all the work! He failed on the second round, even though I gave him a lengthy (for him!) bj, he still couldn't come close to pleasing me, and he lost wood, muttering BS about how he was feeling choked by the condom on the second round. I didn't have any inclination to even help him again. I was so frustrated. I almost let myself cry that I missed Mr. W. at one point there...but tears would have been too much to explain.

I'm so unhappy. I'm stuck in this rut. Wanting what I can't have. I've been fantasizing about Mr. W. for awhile now; remembering how good he was with me. Wishing I had the chance to orgasm with him, I went without sex for so long that I felt I could achieve it at this point if only I had him again.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Edgy today. And feeling empty. The hormones are also in play, and I just wish I had someone to be with. I have pangs of sadness when I think of Mr. W. Of course it's no help that I find myself gazing forlornly at that ocean picture of him; I installed it on my PC to sneak looks at it, and even put it in my phone. I'll call it desensitizing therapy: look at it and just tell myself to get over it. Pathetic, sure.


Such a loser, right? Even if we somehow started all over again, it'd still be the same situation. Guaranteed that the first peep outta me, no matter what the reason, I'd be abandoned all over again. There'd be no more trust possible.


I probably will make that stupid trip out to see him - just find a day to do it. Get it over with, make that last gesture and ...what's the thing to call it... start fresh. Or just ball up in a knot for a few more years. Life as a defective old maid.

Started to drift into chat rooms to just watch other people flirt: I have no identity, just a fragment of what I had listed before. I'm worse than rusty: coming back from the dead as I am so to speak, I'm a ghost. I linger about, looking and just being a mass of mute yearning to find someone who won't be a cruel stranger... A few people message me, but I haven't anything to say to them. "Can you be as good as my Mr. W.?" is unsaid, and they all have no idea that's what they came across in me. I'll likely lean on the 6-month mark to change and activate a profile. I don't know if it'll do any good or it may still be too soon. With Mr. P. it took over a year and a half to just not feel the pain anymore, and that was under lousy cirumstances to boot. This was nine months of experience for me...why am I supposed to be able to just stop? I didn't stop caring. Like Thomas Covenant I was true. See how much that gets you.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Friday, February 22, 2008

I returned books for my sister at her library in Manhattan the other day; I didn't spend much time out, no more than an hour out: I had nowhere to go and no interest in spending money. I did find a used copy of an OCD book for sale " The Boy Who Couldn't Stop Washing" and picked it up for only a dollar. The only better deal woould have been free, ha, and it was one of the books I'd seen as a good OCD reference.

It's been building in my mind to go see Mr. W. again. To give him the other OCD book, to return the gift card...of course it's just blatant justification to go see him. I tell myself that I feel guilty for leaving him to his OCD suffering, and convienently forget for a time that he left me. Sigh. I miss him so much and yet I'm afraid of the potential negative reaction of course...It'd really hurt to be driven away. I've not given in to this wish to go see him and yet I haven't been able to stop missing him. I've had better days lately, days where I am able to think just a little beyond the state of misery.

Truthfully, the thoughts have been pretty bleak. "I'm going to be alone. I can't even afford a crackerbox to live in, things are going to be sad from now on"... sometimes I'd rather stay just missing him.

Today, I've been feeling the sense of loss all day. I wanted kissing. I even entertained the thought of seeing Mr. A, but rebelled at the very real chance it would be awful. I thought of emailing or calling Mr. A. and proposing he host me somewhere, demand pampering, demand his company for an entire'd never be any good though, I know it!

Later at home, while online, I persisted in being too smart for my own mental health. I was trying to watch a movie online that never finished loading, and idly did a search on the screenname that resulted in two entries; one was still another account by Mr. W. on yet another dating site. The other entry was a message board for boaters. I guess some people just can't let go of online identities - I can relate to that. I don't think it was there before, or I didn't think to search it. It was last accessed 3 weeks ago. I looked it all over and there were even two pictures of him there. One picture affected me deeply. It's him, looking tanned in the sun on the ocean - 3/4's of the photo is the ocean, and he must be on a boat (his boat) and he looks as good to me as he was. It knocked the air out of me for a bit...It sank in and in that it's gone, out of reach, hopeless. You can't have... And I've started to cry now. No choking pain, no sobs...just tears welling up that won't stop.

The other entry on the message board listed a post from him asking for information about a model of boat. So I looked that up and very likely I have a reference to what the boat looks like. So again, I'm a stalker, grade A. I'll find out the details that you never tell it because I'm smart or is it just the crazy talking? I just have too much time or persistance that sees me through on the obsessions.

Maybe I will have to get that professional counseling: I'm crushing myself at this point.

In both OCD books, there's a mention of compulsive hoarding as a variation of the OCD, so that might just make me be in the same category. Ironic. Like seeking like, but I'm still judged no good. Rejected...

To make it even sadder, I was on the cusp of sending him an IM message that would have said "I miss you every day." a pleading overture for attention. I opened up the IM, I typed it up and held off on hitting the send button. After seeing that picture I closed the IM.

It doesn't matter what I do - it won't affect him. I can have magical thinking that he's missed me too, that all it will take is a reconnection to have him back BUT IT'S NOT TRUE.

why not me?

Monday, February 18, 2008

Cut & Paste from a Nerve advice column: can be fleeting and transient. For a ... relationship, I try to keep a sense of humor and not get depressed if I try my best and it doesn't work out.

There are so many good and wonderful people in the world. Why do we get involved with people who won't communicate or who are unkind to us? People don't want to be happy, they want to be comfortable, and we're most comfortable in familiar situations, even if they're painful. When you get involved with someone ask yourself: "If this person doesn't change at all in a year, will I still want to be with them?" If the answer is no, get your head out of your ass and move on.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Dear Miss Information, I slept with my best male friend a couple times in high school. It wasn't a big deal. I saw him occasionally when I was home from college. I recently moved home and one night we slept together again. Neither of us were drunk. We watched a movie, held hands, laughed non-stop, and then I stayed over. Now things have changed completely. He barely talks to me when we hang out in our group of friends and breaks plans every time we make them. His closest friends say that this is how he treats all girls now and that I shouldn't take it personally. I really like him as a friend and I thought I might like him as more because of our past and how much fun we have together. I'm not just some girl he brought home from the bar. Why is he acting like this? And does this mean anything more than friendship with this guy is off the table? — Repeat Offender

Dear Repeat Offender, A social worker would call this guy "low functioning." Able to excel in certain basic activities (movie-watching, hand-holding, best-friend fucking) but failing miserably in anything requiring emotional sensitivity, communication skills, adult behavior or advanced reasoning. While you have a big bloated normal-person brain floating about in your cranium, his is tiny and reptilian. Instead of wondering whether or not he's still up for grabs, a cool girl like you should be asking herself why she's trying to romance Godzilla. What I'm getting from his actions is that he doesn't want to date you. He just wants you as a casual friend and fuck. He's paranoid that you'll get the wrong idea now that you're living in the same town. This dismissive treatment — ignoring you, not calling and so on — is his clumsy, immature way of establishing distance and spelling that out. The crappy part is that it's making you feel rejected, vulnerable and maybe even shamed.Let him continue being weird. It's not your problem. Lift your energy off this mofo and move on to other stuff. Stop treating his friendship as a priority. There's nothing good that could possibly come out of it right now. If he's mean to you, you'll feel even more rejected. If he's nice to you, it'll hurt that much more when he switches from hot back to cold. (Which he will. Those types always do.)It seems unbearable right now, what with being the dead of winter and the most depressing days of the year slogging by us. But trust me, I just ended it with an iguana-type individual myself. Similar to your dude, he also preferred to express his feelings ("misgivings," I think he called them) in actions rather than words. I'm still checking his Facebook damn near daily, but it's been an amazing recovery overall. The moment you stop striving for positive interactions with someone who doesn't want to give them to you is the moment you start feeling better about yourself.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Still having trouble dealing with sadness. I still miss him. I had a short period of where I had stopped crying as much, but it came back again. It's a pervasive feeling of sadness. Everything reminds me when the feeling comes on.

Everything's no good. I've gained back 10 lbs. Damn.

Got the last doctor visit in and ... I'm clean. Just that one thing. Plus the other one from before. Of course there's nothing to be done about either, but I'm effectively relationship crippled now. "Hi, nice meeting you, BTW I have these two issues that you need to know about..." I can see the prospects fleeing into the woods now. I had my other handicaps already, and now this... It'll never happen for me now.

I'm so lonely. When I cry now, it builds up to a wail of misery. I miss Mr. W., but he just cut me off and left me - not a single thing since. I hate my life, no one to kiss, to hold, to cook for, to look at me with love in their eyes, to even hold hands with. I'll never have my own house, a car, money to get what I'd like, I see everyone around me and I only see that they have what I do not have. I hate my job, I just feel stupid and incompetent everyday now. I hate having to think of it as a thing to escape from too.

There's nothing I can do. Ahh, my chest hurts from the pressure of holding it all in even as I cry now.

I wish there was just an off switch. I had a passing fancy of just getting up from the desk and just running into traffic. The chaos that'd be if I would just do that. But I'm a filthy coward, and it's not happening. I'm sure there'd be regret, but why not count relief as a good thing too?

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Five months. I put myself back on all my meds, but a lower dose. Fuck the damn doctors! They didn't listen to me about how I was getting symptoms, and now the one doctor suggests doing Weight Watchers to me?! Ass...I hate group activities. Just shows you don't know me, not that you would after 2 visits.

I dragged myself like a guilty criminal to the gynecologist the othe week. I had delayed it for more time than I actually thought - seems that I skipped a year and a half and the ladies of the office were tsk-tsk'ing me about it. I'd been away so long, I didn't even realize that her office had been relocated to another part of the house the doctor uses for an office. Nice, I had to do the walk of shame down some flagstone path past a guy smoking a cigarette in the yard. No eye contact, please. I wonder that he or anyone thinks that all the women going to see this kind of doctor is going to soon be examined in their privates. Hmm, kind of thinking of people as naked under their clothes. Hah!

I seem to always be crying in doctor's offices. I needed tests done to see what's what, and having to ask for them triggered the tears. She was a bit startled, but professional composure kept her distant. Hate to think how they label me in that office, I should just get a bulk supply of prescriptions for Christ's sake!

Sigh. Feeling a little more upbeat. going to this doctor is a small milestone. I've gone through all the other tests for whatever could possibly ail me, and this one getting checked off would potentially clear me to go out again. I don't know, I don't feel the past sense of thrill about it, but the hormones have other ideas. I miss very specific things and the thought of getting bad action makes me cringe. I can't stand the fear of going through and failing some more ... actually the very real likelihood of disappointment.

I've been watching cooking demos online. One guy is fun to watch: "". Chef John shows receipe techniques and he's more entertaining in these quick clips than some of the major cooking shows.

Today, I happened to stop on someone else's blog about his life in Japan, food related as well. Eating Japanese foods, adapted McDonald's sandwiches ("Shrimpburger"), adapted Domino's pizza ("simple meat topping", which btw happens to also includes corn?! Livestock and the feed.). As I watched his videos I note that he's got great features: nice eyes, a very deep voice...makes me think of some science report research that shows guys with deep voices father more kids or something like that. He's a big, tall, bald guy (shaved head) but I look at him and he's reasonably amusing to listen to. I don't care much if people are one way or another: you like who you like. Anything that's on the good side of attractive is just gravy. So..I'm watching his blog entries and as he's in Japan, he's a Japan-o-phile gone native and he eats the food, goes out wherever...Then one segment shows him holding his asian-featured infant child at 1 month...and I just had such a longing pain that a moan came out of me! Sure he's gone Japanese, it's his life, but for me - seeing the big guy holding a half/half baby made me ache for not having the slightest chance of it happening for me.

Friday, January 18, 2008

An online book review starts off with the headline of "Where are all the happy people?
"The Geography of Bliss: One Grump's Search for the Happiest Place on Earth" by Eric Weiner.

...And in the United States, happiness seems to be in the search for happiness. ...
...How can America be a truly happy place if Americans never commit, if they are always looking for something better?...

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Neck pinch trauma continues. Fat Cat has what may be congestive heart failure and Mom had a bad reaction to the meds that the recent doctor prescribed for her hip pain. So that's the scene: 5:30 last night, I'm home to pick up Fatcat for yet another vet visit. I'm home at a reasonable hour for the 1st time in 2 weeks and Mom's not well. She thinks, oh you're home, good....but I can't stay as I have a 5:45 appointment to bring the cat in to the vet and I know he's really sick. So there I have to leave with the cat and not be able to take care of Mom. My Chinese priorities are really fucked up...

I know Fatcat's in a bad was as he's been gasping for air at this point. Either he's ill with something like pneumonia or he's in horrible pain is my guess. The vet that's been seeing him was out for his birthday - yay, who the fuck cares? Happy Birthday... WTF hasn't my cat gotten any better!? - so I had a different vet at the same office take a look at the beast. Just after I'm saying to no one in particular (to the cat maybe?) "Oh, please, don't have congestive heart failure..." The vet turns and looks in surprise at me, saying, well, it does look to be that and asking why would I say that? I told him I came up with it as a narrowing down of how his symptoms seemed to be turning out.

Damn - I hate when I'm right about the bad things.

More tests to come for the cat; I'm in for the amount of what, $1,200.00 total at this juncture? Of which I've paid off 75% of the bills, but at the exclusion of a lot of other things. I guess I'll just run the tab until I cry... Penny pinching's in my future!

There was an "Ask Harriet" column the other day that I should take to mind:

DEAR HARRIETTE: I've been in love with a man for much of my adult life. Part of me feels like an idiot. I have loved and chosen him, but my love has not been reciprocated - he sees me as a friend, not a partner. I have yet to figure out how to be neutral with him. I know it's nuts, but I love him. He is my friend. Sure, I long for more. But is there something I can do to sever my feelings? - Ann, Cambridge, Miss.

Dear Ann: Love is life's wild card. When it is real, it simply is. It doesn't diminish. It lives within your being. So, unlike many of your friends who have told you to deny your feelings, I will not do that. Your feelings for this man are likely quite authentic.
The other side of this situation is also authentic: Your friend did not choose you in the same way you chose him. Painful? Yes. Something you need to accept? Yes. Otherwise, you will allow your feelings to guide your steps. And that can, in a case such as yours, lead to ruin.
It is impossible sometimes for people to believe that their love could be rejected. However, we all face acceptance and rejection, usually multiple times in life. To recover, you must accept your life as it is, including that this man is only available to be your friend. Tell your heart this is the truth. Then allow space for romantic love to enter from another source.

I don't know if it can be called being obssessed over Mr. W. and all. I miss him, it makes me sad that I can't have the slightest contact with him, that he rejected me. I was happy while I was with him. When I get down about things it's about EVERYTHING that could make a person feel bad... I feel defeated, I want to give up. I have distress, not pain but I wish I didn't have to feel it just the same. For almost the whole time I was with him, I didn't have the episodes of wishing that I was dead, I didn't feel hopeless, I was happy that I was with him, and now I'm back to the selftold mantras of "I wish I was dead", "I hate my life, a behavior that popped up to defuse the pain I feel on a moment to moment basis.

The worst pain is to not be wanted. You're just not good enough to keep...I wonder how much interest there really was? Second worst pain is a tie between getting used/realizing that you're being used.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Last night at work, I ended up with a pinched nerve on the left side of my neck. It started out as just uncomfortable and progressed to the "I must swivel my upper torso to look at things" level of discomfort. By the time I got home, it was painful, but I figured that I'd just go sleep and let it do whatever it was going to do. I stopped to speak with Mom who'd had a doctor's appointment earlier in the day for a pain in her hip. I was glad that she'd finally gone to get it checked out, and I was just going to settle in for the night when she noticed that I was favoring the neck pain. Well, there goes Mom to the rescue. She offered to rub my back, my neck - all the maternal fussing that can make you cringe because you're an adult now, aren't you? You don't need Mommy to take care of you...

After a few mins I told her it was ok, and even tried to fake out with a "Look! I can move!" behavior. She stopped, but then noticed that I was still having limited motion and she accused me of lying, you're not ok, it's still bothering you! LoL. So she rubbed again and this time, I just submitted. Let my head rest against her and let Mommy try to make it all better. I teared up some: it was nice to have her try to help, she always does so much and is not appreciated for it. It was also the first time in four months that anyone's touched me. I switched out the light so that she couldn't see my tears welling up, and said goodnight. I cried in my room for a little while and then went to bed.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Spending all week after-hours at work to get the paperwork ready for the auditors. I switch between feeling the urgency to get the task done, and well, just crying at the desk for missing M. W. and still on the email reading trip. Crying at home too. For shorter amounts of time, but just as miserable in the intensity. Again and's really settling in this misery. Four plus months...the last email was the the end of September 07. Focusing myself on the email content and forcing myself to tell myself how badly he treated me, how he really pushed that keep your distance attitude... I can't even ask to go back to what it was because it wasn't me that left, and there's no hope of him giving in. Just no hope. So that's how I'm stuck between missing him and knowing there's no relief to be found. Read something that says everyone has a point in a bad relationship where they either tell or don't tell themselves the truth that they know it's going the way of the bad. If it was so good, stupid, why're you miserable?!

Mr. A. continues to contact me. For lack of anything to say, I tell him candidly the facts that I'm depressed and on happy pills. He tells me, oh how he had to take some when his father died, so he can understand. Always swings back to how about sex with him though... So the problem is it's no libio? he'll ask. If it isn't, then maybe sex will relax me, make me feel better. He's not getting the message that it's no interest in him. There's no nice way to tell him that I'm sunk into despair because I desperately miss Mr. W. and that it's mainly about another guy and not him. I make some half-hearted arrangement that yeah, we'll get together and we can maybe watch porn together. Sure, sure. Woo-hoo, not so exciting a plan to me, dude. I'd probably have a better time by myself than with him. And be way ahead on my own too: I'd get some O's, not have to travel and not have to spend a dime or work for no reward either.

The bus on the route home passes by me at 12 midnight and I'll think of Mr. W. The car commercials that used the word "duh" as their advertising schtick. The shopping plaza that I'd met him at: can't go back there, can't travel the bus route there either. Phil Collins music, Bon Jovi music that I burned Cd's of for him. Not even interested in eating most italian foods that I used to have, that I would treat him to. Food at Wendy's. I shared flan I'd made with him, bought kosher chocolate rugelach, I made from scratch arborio rice pudding just for him. Having new email to read almost everyday in the beginning ... and now silence, everyday. This awful stinging pain in my gut when I miss him, and the teary-eyed regretful thoughts that accompany missing him. I often entertain stalker-crazy notions of just going to seek him out, give him that book, return that giftcard with wounded dignity, ask for an explanation of why, meet his mom, get the fairy tale dream fulfilled of closure - or that he's missed me too!, email his forwarded email contacts, find his black van, prove that I'm so smart to be able to find the place...and the thought of real rejection makes me cower, of being looked at as "That girl", the nut. Of finding out things that'd hurt more.

Mr. W. I would have loved you if you'd let me.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Been taking Fatcat to the vet in earnest to see about how he can be made whole again. He's just not going the right way: losing weight, a walking poop-bomb in the house, and wailing at odd moments in the halls. The family's starting to get exasperated with his chronic illness status. So far, I'm out over $500 for the vet bills and cruel irony there's no cure in sight. sigh. It's only money. I know that I'll feel worse if I saved the dollar only to have Fatcat drop dead (and there's the bill for that too!)

I've got the doctor's exam tomorrow for myself. Did all the steps of the test prep...unpleasant business indeed. Now I'm ravenous, but can't eat anything for hours more to come. I'll have to think of what I can have tomorrow in yo-yo binge mode after I'm cut loose. Coconut cravings in the forefront...

Last night, in a sort of last meal frenzy, I made "Osso Bucco" and butter drenched corn grits/polenta. I'd wanted to make both for the longest, and they came out very well. In typical overkill planning, I made a huge tray of meat. Not just the classic beef shin meat, but with short rib flanken meat looked so nice at the market that I tossed it in to cook. When else am I going to braise meat like this again? I cooked it for the family and they liked it...I guess I wish I had someone really special to cook for.

Once I was done, and planning on going to bed...I happened to start to cry for missing Mr. W. again. Just flat out couldn't stop this time. I'm feeling defeated ... it's not getting better, and I just keep hurting. I only wanted to be with someone, I liked him so much and it...I...wasn't enough to be worth keeping. How am I supposed to pick myself up after that. Seeing other people, it's not even envy anymore, it's just flinch away from seeing it cause it hurts me.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Still keeping on with reading the old emails from Mr. W. It's strangely affecting and often I will just start crying while reading them. Yeah,'s wallowing and you're supposed to not linger over the things you have to remind yourself about a person after a break-up. I think it's cathartic at the very least. There's something so not right about how I practically have an email a day to look at, but it's all just one year ago. Where did that person go? I don't know. And there's no answer as to a reason why.

I read some advice today about how to deal with failure. Don't see it as "Oh no!" but turn it into "Oh well." and move on. Slowly it becomes that to me as I get by day to day. The world didn't stop, things still need to get done and there's no collapsing in a heap o' grief. Just little time-outs for the misery to well up and then get right back into ... doing nothing.

The other night, I was out on New Year's Eve - about six-ish, not too too crazy to think that I could get to a local Petco and get a crate for the sick cat. Wrong. No businesses stay open I guess. Got to the door and immediately got a "We're closed dear." from a female employee. Nice waste of a trip, and I didn't even argue it. Guess I won't be back though. Nyah.

Walked down a few blocks to catch the same bus back in a fast round trip to nowhere. From my seat on the bus, as it maneuvered into traffic, I eyed someone on the street scoffing a Cinnabon cinnamon roll from a takeout container: god, I won't be able to have a cinnamon roll if I want one. The thought made me feel so regretful that this was life as a diabetic. No more indulgences, not unless you pay the consequences. Drat.
Long time no post. Too busy, too indifferent to care. Holidays are done with. Received Nintendo DS Lego Star Wars The Complete Saga and have put 35 hours into playing it's mindless goodness. Thanks Sis! What's the current state of personal affairs?

Lessee...I went to the doctors for an endoscopy on 12/21 to delve into the matter of why I was getting that liver pain. I've had sonograms run on the carotid arteries and abdomenal area. Of course they found nothing in that neck of the woods and they made me stop most of my meds and I since haven't had any reoccurrence of the pain (thankfully!). I went for the test alone, they have a small room off to the side and I really don't recall the actual moment of going under sedation. I do recall the three people in the room: the doctor, the anesthesiologist, and the male nurse all looking at me as they waited for it to kick in. Had time to observe (all prepped and such.) that it was funny they were all looking at me waiting for me to fall asleep. The male nurse woke me when it was done; mainly it felt like sleep without the fuzziness that you have from waking up groggy. There was just the sensation of not having moved in awhile. I was fine upon first waking, but the sedative must have a depressive effect as I suddenly started leaking tears...The nurse was asking me why I was crying and I could only sniffle a guess of it being due to my not taking the happy pills that day. The effect lasted for about half an hour and they were turning me loose on the street anyway. This same nurse guy is nice, but he keeps insisting that I'm diabetic, and that's a jangle to my ego. I've been blood testing my sugar for two weeks now and the ranges are not at all bad: and I'm off the meds to boot! It's my thinking more on the PCOS as the culprit here - Freaking Hormones! They're outta control and up to no good and not to my benefit.

Being that they didn't find anything, and I had specific information regarding my pain attacks, I agreed to set up for an colonoscopy. I think they they are going to find something thataway...and they are setting me up for a diagnosis of possible cancer somewhere. That's worse case scenario of course. I did have some issues in the past that I observed and never really checked into it. Now I've come up as being anemic and there's positive sign of blood being shed somehow. So it's never good news.

As part of my depressive personality, I used to wish for death to find me, so maybe now it's a courtesy call. Gallows humor, if nothing else.

I am having lower intensity upsets re: Mr. W. I still miss him terribly. It's going on four months, and I still suffer. I feel so worthless, and it's a pervasive feeling. I should try to blame it on him, but I haven't had the heart to do so. No interest in seeing anyone yet, but god, I miss sex. There's been that Mr. A. occasionally inquiring if I'd like to go meet with him, but frankly it stinks with him and I'd rather not settle for anymore crappy times at this point. I told him that I've been depressed and continue to deflect his hints. He's part of the Jerky group as he's only calling when he's looking to meet. I suppose it's my turn to exercise the "if they're interested, they'll be there" option. Since I do all the work with no reward, there's zero incentive for me to even consider him anymore. Cold bitch, huh? Next, I'll be telling him in detail exactly what it is about him that's not working for me, LoL.

Fatcat's been sick again. A stealthy poop-bomber in all areas of the house. Mom and Dad abruptly piped up at dinner one night that I should "get rid of the cat. Take it to the ASPCA." This coldness doesn't surprise me, he's only a poor sick and dumb animal. I guess they never really change that mindset that animals are expendable. And this is Fatcat, the one that in better times they were affectionately calling "fat pig" in Cantonese. I hauled him to a new vet office by Prospect Park. It's another round of, well we don't find anything wrong with him: here's your 300 plus bill. I heard from the vet again, he's not sounding very positive, and wants to do exploratory surgery to diagnose the problem. This means a lot of dollars to be spent, and I just throw my hands up in defeat...sure, what's 7 or 8 hundred dollars only for you to tell me the cat is incurable or going to die? Bastards. Gave me some of the same medicine that the ASPCA had given me, and there's a little response at this time. I really hope that there's something to be done for the poor little beast.

I cried at work today. The work is getting dumped more and more on me without any discussion of how I should handle it. It's so unfair. I had to take so much BS today; it hit me in an aftershock and I started to cry in the middle of doing something at my desk. If it happened in the past, I'd go to the restroom to compose myself; 90% of the time, they'd never know I was even going through trauma. Hell, I've lost TWO major relationships and they have not the slightest clue. (One person asked if I was coming down with a cold once as I sniffeled through being upset.) I worked right through that crying jag today... I defiantly let the boss see that I was suffering. He was making me hate him. I hope it made him squirm a little for the misery, the sheer misery I feel trapped in. He didn't know what to say to me, he told me to take a minute, and I mumbled, "I'm having too much stress." It subsided eventually, and no further mention of it was made. Oh, when he left he was trying to chat me up to see what was wrong earlier in the day; I only volunteered the information that the cat was ill. I have to take a city test on Saturday that may decide a career change for me. Whenever I have second thoughts about taking the opportunity if it comes, they do something at work to strengthen my resolve to go ahead.

I may not even get something good, may not even want to take the chance of losing medical coverage at this stage...Odds are that I'll get stuck in a gap and end up suffering/dying because of it. Yay. I am back to the behavior of saying to myself, I wish I was dead. Just to stop feeling the pain.