Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Long time no post. Too busy, too indifferent to care. Holidays are done with. Received Nintendo DS Lego Star Wars The Complete Saga and have put 35 hours into playing it's mindless goodness. Thanks Sis! What's the current state of personal affairs?

Lessee...I went to the doctors for an endoscopy on 12/21 to delve into the matter of why I was getting that liver pain. I've had sonograms run on the carotid arteries and abdomenal area. Of course they found nothing in that neck of the woods and they made me stop most of my meds and I since haven't had any reoccurrence of the pain (thankfully!). I went for the test alone, they have a small room off to the side and I really don't recall the actual moment of going under sedation. I do recall the three people in the room: the doctor, the anesthesiologist, and the male nurse all looking at me as they waited for it to kick in. Had time to observe (all prepped and such.) that it was funny they were all looking at me waiting for me to fall asleep. The male nurse woke me when it was done; mainly it felt like sleep without the fuzziness that you have from waking up groggy. There was just the sensation of not having moved in awhile. I was fine upon first waking, but the sedative must have a depressive effect as I suddenly started leaking tears...The nurse was asking me why I was crying and I could only sniffle a guess of it being due to my not taking the happy pills that day. The effect lasted for about half an hour and they were turning me loose on the street anyway. This same nurse guy is nice, but he keeps insisting that I'm diabetic, and that's a jangle to my ego. I've been blood testing my sugar for two weeks now and the ranges are not at all bad: and I'm off the meds to boot! It's my thinking more on the PCOS as the culprit here - Freaking Hormones! They're outta control and up to no good and not to my benefit.

Being that they didn't find anything, and I had specific information regarding my pain attacks, I agreed to set up for an colonoscopy. I think they they are going to find something thataway...and they are setting me up for a diagnosis of possible cancer somewhere. That's worse case scenario of course. I did have some issues in the past that I observed and never really checked into it. Now I've come up as being anemic and there's positive sign of blood being shed somehow. So it's never good news.

As part of my depressive personality, I used to wish for death to find me, so maybe now it's a courtesy call. Gallows humor, if nothing else.

I am having lower intensity upsets re: Mr. W. I still miss him terribly. It's going on four months, and I still suffer. I feel so worthless, and it's a pervasive feeling. I should try to blame it on him, but I haven't had the heart to do so. No interest in seeing anyone yet, but god, I miss sex. There's been that Mr. A. occasionally inquiring if I'd like to go meet with him, but frankly it stinks with him and I'd rather not settle for anymore crappy times at this point. I told him that I've been depressed and continue to deflect his hints. He's part of the Jerky group as he's only calling when he's looking to meet. I suppose it's my turn to exercise the "if they're interested, they'll be there" option. Since I do all the work with no reward, there's zero incentive for me to even consider him anymore. Cold bitch, huh? Next, I'll be telling him in detail exactly what it is about him that's not working for me, LoL.

Fatcat's been sick again. A stealthy poop-bomber in all areas of the house. Mom and Dad abruptly piped up at dinner one night that I should "get rid of the cat. Take it to the ASPCA." This coldness doesn't surprise me, he's only a poor sick and dumb animal. I guess they never really change that mindset that animals are expendable. And this is Fatcat, the one that in better times they were affectionately calling "fat pig" in Cantonese. I hauled him to a new vet office by Prospect Park. It's another round of, well we don't find anything wrong with him: here's your 300 plus bill. I heard from the vet again, he's not sounding very positive, and wants to do exploratory surgery to diagnose the problem. This means a lot of dollars to be spent, and I just throw my hands up in defeat...sure, what's 7 or 8 hundred dollars only for you to tell me the cat is incurable or going to die? Bastards. Gave me some of the same medicine that the ASPCA had given me, and there's a little response at this time. I really hope that there's something to be done for the poor little beast.

I cried at work today. The work is getting dumped more and more on me without any discussion of how I should handle it. It's so unfair. I had to take so much BS today; it hit me in an aftershock and I started to cry in the middle of doing something at my desk. If it happened in the past, I'd go to the restroom to compose myself; 90% of the time, they'd never know I was even going through trauma. Hell, I've lost TWO major relationships and they have not the slightest clue. (One person asked if I was coming down with a cold once as I sniffeled through being upset.) I worked right through that crying jag today... I defiantly let the boss see that I was suffering. He was making me hate him. I hope it made him squirm a little for the misery, the sheer misery I feel trapped in. He didn't know what to say to me, he told me to take a minute, and I mumbled, "I'm having too much stress." It subsided eventually, and no further mention of it was made. Oh, when he left he was trying to chat me up to see what was wrong earlier in the day; I only volunteered the information that the cat was ill. I have to take a city test on Saturday that may decide a career change for me. Whenever I have second thoughts about taking the opportunity if it comes, they do something at work to strengthen my resolve to go ahead.

I may not even get something good, may not even want to take the chance of losing medical coverage at this stage...Odds are that I'll get stuck in a gap and end up suffering/dying because of it. Yay. I am back to the behavior of saying to myself, I wish I was dead. Just to stop feeling the pain.

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