Monday, February 25, 2008

Edgy today. And feeling empty. The hormones are also in play, and I just wish I had someone to be with. I have pangs of sadness when I think of Mr. W. Of course it's no help that I find myself gazing forlornly at that ocean picture of him; I installed it on my PC to sneak looks at it, and even put it in my phone. I'll call it desensitizing therapy: look at it and just tell myself to get over it. Pathetic, sure.


Such a loser, right? Even if we somehow started all over again, it'd still be the same situation. Guaranteed that the first peep outta me, no matter what the reason, I'd be abandoned all over again. There'd be no more trust possible.


I probably will make that stupid trip out to see him - just find a day to do it. Get it over with, make that last gesture and ...what's the thing to call it... start fresh. Or just ball up in a knot for a few more years. Life as a defective old maid.

Started to drift into chat rooms to just watch other people flirt: I have no identity, just a fragment of what I had listed before. I'm worse than rusty: coming back from the dead as I am so to speak, I'm a ghost. I linger about, looking and just being a mass of mute yearning to find someone who won't be a cruel stranger... A few people message me, but I haven't anything to say to them. "Can you be as good as my Mr. W.?" is unsaid, and they all have no idea that's what they came across in me. I'll likely lean on the 6-month mark to change and activate a profile. I don't know if it'll do any good or it may still be too soon. With Mr. P. it took over a year and a half to just not feel the pain anymore, and that was under lousy cirumstances to boot. This was nine months of experience for me...why am I supposed to be able to just stop? I didn't stop caring. Like Thomas Covenant I was true. See how much that gets you.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Friday, February 22, 2008

I returned books for my sister at her library in Manhattan the other day; I didn't spend much time out, no more than an hour out: I had nowhere to go and no interest in spending money. I did find a used copy of an OCD book for sale " The Boy Who Couldn't Stop Washing" and picked it up for only a dollar. The only better deal woould have been free, ha, and it was one of the books I'd seen as a good OCD reference.

It's been building in my mind to go see Mr. W. again. To give him the other OCD book, to return the gift card...of course it's just blatant justification to go see him. I tell myself that I feel guilty for leaving him to his OCD suffering, and convienently forget for a time that he left me. Sigh. I miss him so much and yet I'm afraid of the potential negative reaction of course...It'd really hurt to be driven away. I've not given in to this wish to go see him and yet I haven't been able to stop missing him. I've had better days lately, days where I am able to think just a little beyond the state of misery.

Truthfully, the thoughts have been pretty bleak. "I'm going to be alone. I can't even afford a crackerbox to live in, things are going to be sad from now on"... sometimes I'd rather stay just missing him.

Today, I've been feeling the sense of loss all day. I wanted kissing. I even entertained the thought of seeing Mr. A, but rebelled at the very real chance it would be awful. I thought of emailing or calling Mr. A. and proposing he host me somewhere, demand pampering, demand his company for an entire'd never be any good though, I know it!

Later at home, while online, I persisted in being too smart for my own mental health. I was trying to watch a movie online that never finished loading, and idly did a search on the screenname that resulted in two entries; one was still another account by Mr. W. on yet another dating site. The other entry was a message board for boaters. I guess some people just can't let go of online identities - I can relate to that. I don't think it was there before, or I didn't think to search it. It was last accessed 3 weeks ago. I looked it all over and there were even two pictures of him there. One picture affected me deeply. It's him, looking tanned in the sun on the ocean - 3/4's of the photo is the ocean, and he must be on a boat (his boat) and he looks as good to me as he was. It knocked the air out of me for a bit...It sank in and in that it's gone, out of reach, hopeless. You can't have... And I've started to cry now. No choking pain, no sobs...just tears welling up that won't stop.

The other entry on the message board listed a post from him asking for information about a model of boat. So I looked that up and very likely I have a reference to what the boat looks like. So again, I'm a stalker, grade A. I'll find out the details that you never tell it because I'm smart or is it just the crazy talking? I just have too much time or persistance that sees me through on the obsessions.

Maybe I will have to get that professional counseling: I'm crushing myself at this point.

In both OCD books, there's a mention of compulsive hoarding as a variation of the OCD, so that might just make me be in the same category. Ironic. Like seeking like, but I'm still judged no good. Rejected...

To make it even sadder, I was on the cusp of sending him an IM message that would have said "I miss you every day." a pleading overture for attention. I opened up the IM, I typed it up and held off on hitting the send button. After seeing that picture I closed the IM.

It doesn't matter what I do - it won't affect him. I can have magical thinking that he's missed me too, that all it will take is a reconnection to have him back BUT IT'S NOT TRUE.

why not me?

Monday, February 18, 2008

Cut & Paste from a Nerve advice column: can be fleeting and transient. For a ... relationship, I try to keep a sense of humor and not get depressed if I try my best and it doesn't work out.

There are so many good and wonderful people in the world. Why do we get involved with people who won't communicate or who are unkind to us? People don't want to be happy, they want to be comfortable, and we're most comfortable in familiar situations, even if they're painful. When you get involved with someone ask yourself: "If this person doesn't change at all in a year, will I still want to be with them?" If the answer is no, get your head out of your ass and move on.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Dear Miss Information, I slept with my best male friend a couple times in high school. It wasn't a big deal. I saw him occasionally when I was home from college. I recently moved home and one night we slept together again. Neither of us were drunk. We watched a movie, held hands, laughed non-stop, and then I stayed over. Now things have changed completely. He barely talks to me when we hang out in our group of friends and breaks plans every time we make them. His closest friends say that this is how he treats all girls now and that I shouldn't take it personally. I really like him as a friend and I thought I might like him as more because of our past and how much fun we have together. I'm not just some girl he brought home from the bar. Why is he acting like this? And does this mean anything more than friendship with this guy is off the table? — Repeat Offender

Dear Repeat Offender, A social worker would call this guy "low functioning." Able to excel in certain basic activities (movie-watching, hand-holding, best-friend fucking) but failing miserably in anything requiring emotional sensitivity, communication skills, adult behavior or advanced reasoning. While you have a big bloated normal-person brain floating about in your cranium, his is tiny and reptilian. Instead of wondering whether or not he's still up for grabs, a cool girl like you should be asking herself why she's trying to romance Godzilla. What I'm getting from his actions is that he doesn't want to date you. He just wants you as a casual friend and fuck. He's paranoid that you'll get the wrong idea now that you're living in the same town. This dismissive treatment — ignoring you, not calling and so on — is his clumsy, immature way of establishing distance and spelling that out. The crappy part is that it's making you feel rejected, vulnerable and maybe even shamed.Let him continue being weird. It's not your problem. Lift your energy off this mofo and move on to other stuff. Stop treating his friendship as a priority. There's nothing good that could possibly come out of it right now. If he's mean to you, you'll feel even more rejected. If he's nice to you, it'll hurt that much more when he switches from hot back to cold. (Which he will. Those types always do.)It seems unbearable right now, what with being the dead of winter and the most depressing days of the year slogging by us. But trust me, I just ended it with an iguana-type individual myself. Similar to your dude, he also preferred to express his feelings ("misgivings," I think he called them) in actions rather than words. I'm still checking his Facebook damn near daily, but it's been an amazing recovery overall. The moment you stop striving for positive interactions with someone who doesn't want to give them to you is the moment you start feeling better about yourself.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Still having trouble dealing with sadness. I still miss him. I had a short period of where I had stopped crying as much, but it came back again. It's a pervasive feeling of sadness. Everything reminds me when the feeling comes on.

Everything's no good. I've gained back 10 lbs. Damn.

Got the last doctor visit in and ... I'm clean. Just that one thing. Plus the other one from before. Of course there's nothing to be done about either, but I'm effectively relationship crippled now. "Hi, nice meeting you, BTW I have these two issues that you need to know about..." I can see the prospects fleeing into the woods now. I had my other handicaps already, and now this... It'll never happen for me now.

I'm so lonely. When I cry now, it builds up to a wail of misery. I miss Mr. W., but he just cut me off and left me - not a single thing since. I hate my life, no one to kiss, to hold, to cook for, to look at me with love in their eyes, to even hold hands with. I'll never have my own house, a car, money to get what I'd like, I see everyone around me and I only see that they have what I do not have. I hate my job, I just feel stupid and incompetent everyday now. I hate having to think of it as a thing to escape from too.

There's nothing I can do. Ahh, my chest hurts from the pressure of holding it all in even as I cry now.

I wish there was just an off switch. I had a passing fancy of just getting up from the desk and just running into traffic. The chaos that'd be if I would just do that. But I'm a filthy coward, and it's not happening. I'm sure there'd be regret, but why not count relief as a good thing too?

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Five months. I put myself back on all my meds, but a lower dose. Fuck the damn doctors! They didn't listen to me about how I was getting symptoms, and now the one doctor suggests doing Weight Watchers to me?! Ass...I hate group activities. Just shows you don't know me, not that you would after 2 visits.

I dragged myself like a guilty criminal to the gynecologist the othe week. I had delayed it for more time than I actually thought - seems that I skipped a year and a half and the ladies of the office were tsk-tsk'ing me about it. I'd been away so long, I didn't even realize that her office had been relocated to another part of the house the doctor uses for an office. Nice, I had to do the walk of shame down some flagstone path past a guy smoking a cigarette in the yard. No eye contact, please. I wonder that he or anyone thinks that all the women going to see this kind of doctor is going to soon be examined in their privates. Hmm, kind of thinking of people as naked under their clothes. Hah!

I seem to always be crying in doctor's offices. I needed tests done to see what's what, and having to ask for them triggered the tears. She was a bit startled, but professional composure kept her distant. Hate to think how they label me in that office, I should just get a bulk supply of prescriptions for Christ's sake!

Sigh. Feeling a little more upbeat. going to this doctor is a small milestone. I've gone through all the other tests for whatever could possibly ail me, and this one getting checked off would potentially clear me to go out again. I don't know, I don't feel the past sense of thrill about it, but the hormones have other ideas. I miss very specific things and the thought of getting bad action makes me cringe. I can't stand the fear of going through and failing some more ... actually the very real likelihood of disappointment.

I've been watching cooking demos online. One guy is fun to watch: "". Chef John shows receipe techniques and he's more entertaining in these quick clips than some of the major cooking shows.

Today, I happened to stop on someone else's blog about his life in Japan, food related as well. Eating Japanese foods, adapted McDonald's sandwiches ("Shrimpburger"), adapted Domino's pizza ("simple meat topping", which btw happens to also includes corn?! Livestock and the feed.). As I watched his videos I note that he's got great features: nice eyes, a very deep voice...makes me think of some science report research that shows guys with deep voices father more kids or something like that. He's a big, tall, bald guy (shaved head) but I look at him and he's reasonably amusing to listen to. I don't care much if people are one way or another: you like who you like. Anything that's on the good side of attractive is just gravy. So..I'm watching his blog entries and as he's in Japan, he's a Japan-o-phile gone native and he eats the food, goes out wherever...Then one segment shows him holding his asian-featured infant child at 1 month...and I just had such a longing pain that a moan came out of me! Sure he's gone Japanese, it's his life, but for me - seeing the big guy holding a half/half baby made me ache for not having the slightest chance of it happening for me.