Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Dear Miss Information, I slept with my best male friend a couple times in high school. It wasn't a big deal. I saw him occasionally when I was home from college. I recently moved home and one night we slept together again. Neither of us were drunk. We watched a movie, held hands, laughed non-stop, and then I stayed over. Now things have changed completely. He barely talks to me when we hang out in our group of friends and breaks plans every time we make them. His closest friends say that this is how he treats all girls now and that I shouldn't take it personally. I really like him as a friend and I thought I might like him as more because of our past and how much fun we have together. I'm not just some girl he brought home from the bar. Why is he acting like this? And does this mean anything more than friendship with this guy is off the table? — Repeat Offender

Dear Repeat Offender, A social worker would call this guy "low functioning." Able to excel in certain basic activities (movie-watching, hand-holding, best-friend fucking) but failing miserably in anything requiring emotional sensitivity, communication skills, adult behavior or advanced reasoning. While you have a big bloated normal-person brain floating about in your cranium, his is tiny and reptilian. Instead of wondering whether or not he's still up for grabs, a cool girl like you should be asking herself why she's trying to romance Godzilla. What I'm getting from his actions is that he doesn't want to date you. He just wants you as a casual friend and fuck. He's paranoid that you'll get the wrong idea now that you're living in the same town. This dismissive treatment — ignoring you, not calling and so on — is his clumsy, immature way of establishing distance and spelling that out. The crappy part is that it's making you feel rejected, vulnerable and maybe even shamed.Let him continue being weird. It's not your problem. Lift your energy off this mofo and move on to other stuff. Stop treating his friendship as a priority. There's nothing good that could possibly come out of it right now. If he's mean to you, you'll feel even more rejected. If he's nice to you, it'll hurt that much more when he switches from hot back to cold. (Which he will. Those types always do.)It seems unbearable right now, what with being the dead of winter and the most depressing days of the year slogging by us. But trust me, I just ended it with an iguana-type individual myself. Similar to your dude, he also preferred to express his feelings ("misgivings," I think he called them) in actions rather than words. I'm still checking his Facebook damn near daily, but it's been an amazing recovery overall. The moment you stop striving for positive interactions with someone who doesn't want to give them to you is the moment you start feeling better about yourself.

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