Five months. I put myself back on all my meds, but a lower dose. Fuck the damn doctors! They didn't listen to me about how I was getting symptoms, and now the one doctor suggests doing Weight Watchers to me?! Ass...I hate group activities. Just shows you don't know me, not that you would after 2 visits.

I dragged myself like a guilty criminal to the gynecologist the othe week. I had delayed it for more time than I actually thought - seems that I skipped a year and a half and the ladies of the office were tsk-tsk'ing me about it. I'd been away so long, I didn't even realize that her office had been relocated to another part of the house the doctor uses for an office. Nice, I had to do the walk of shame down some flagstone path past a guy smoking a cigarette in the yard. No eye contact, please. I wonder that he or anyone thinks that all the women going to see this kind of doctor is going to soon be examined in their privates. Hmm, kind of thinking of people as naked under their clothes. Hah!

I seem to always be crying in doctor's offices. I needed tests done to see what's what, and having to ask for them triggered the tears. She was a bit startled, but professional composure kept her distant. Hate to think how they label me in that office, I should just get a bulk supply of prescriptions for Christ's sake!

Sigh. Feeling a little more upbeat. going to this doctor is a small milestone. I've gone through all the other tests for whatever could possibly ail me, and this one getting checked off would potentially clear me to go out again. I don't know, I don't feel the past sense of thrill about it, but the hormones have other ideas. I miss very specific things and the thought of getting bad action makes me cringe. I can't stand the fear of going through and failing some more ... actually the very real likelihood of disappointment.


I've been watching cooking demos online. One guy is fun to watch: "FoodWishes.com". Chef John shows receipe techniques and he's more entertaining in these quick clips than some of the major cooking shows.

Today, I happened to stop on someone else's blog about his life in Japan, food related as well. Eating Japanese foods, adapted McDonald's sandwiches ("Shrimpburger"), adapted Domino's pizza ("simple meat topping", which btw happens to also includes corn?! Livestock and the feed.). As I watched his videos I note that he's got great features: nice eyes, a very deep voice...makes me think of some science report research that shows guys with deep voices father more kids or something like that. He's a big, tall, bald guy (shaved head) but I look at him and he's reasonably amusing to listen to. I don't care much if people are one way or another: you like who you like. Anything that's on the good side of attractive is just gravy. So..I'm watching his blog entries and as he's in Japan, he's a Japan-o-phile gone native and he eats the food, goes out wherever...Then one segment shows him holding his asian-featured infant child at 1 month...and I just had such a longing pain that a moan came out of me! Sure he's gone Japanese, it's his life, but for me - seeing the big guy holding a half/half baby made me ache for not having the slightest chance of it happening for me.