Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Birthday's come and gone. Feeling kinda OLD, but not too bad, I guess. Concerned that the next milestone is just down the road a ways and then it'll be all "Where did the time go?!?" regrets.

Busy time since last post. Things have happened, but not sure if the attention span will last long enough to cover it all.

Mission to meet the new person a success...sort of. The meet progressed well; however he seems very white-collar, pretty tightly wrapped. Came through on most points of conversation, still failed on two, three things...almost four. Didn't make me feel completely "welcomed" is sorta the only way to describe it? Not overtly, but no closeness developed... perhaps as a result of first time meeting jitters. Also didn't see me the whole way through, so to speak. No message till late the following day... so have the wait and see attitude now if he'll continue respectful contact or just fade away. Verdict so far is only Good, not Great. Sigh. (And oh, look he just sent me a message, but the content was of no significance... so what to do with that now?!?)

The result of this all is that my mood is that I feel lonely right now... stuck listening to versions of Eric Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight" and wishing that someone had that caring regard in the song for me.

I hadn't felt as much pain these days for missing Mr. W. At least, I thought it might be under control, fading little by little perhaps, but it revived a bit as I put myself through the wringer again by thinking of him. Didn't do the surprise visit like I had thought of doing... I put it off in part because I know within me, or fear within me that it's a doomed gesture. I ... passed copies of health info that I'd gathered for him, to a coworker. It was the first time I'd looked through the small stack and as I looked it over, I did start to cry a little right then and there...sad that he wouldn't get care, that he wouldn't listen, that he left me. I cried again later after reading a few old emails again today, still keeping up with the daily review of the old emails, and I had sad thoughts again as a result.

Stress and more stress at work. I should really get back on the happy pills. Perhaps they'd uplift me again? At least keep the "I wish I was dead!" thoughts out of mind, the visions of slashing myself so that all my blood flows out taking all the pain with it too - lol, very melodramatic, isn't it?

Ms. S. wandered into hospital and they saw fit to keep her there. Huzzah! Now if only they can successfully treat her?! After all this drama, I'm just indifferent. I can't be responsible for her care at this point.

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