Friday, February 8, 2008

Still having trouble dealing with sadness. I still miss him. I had a short period of where I had stopped crying as much, but it came back again. It's a pervasive feeling of sadness. Everything reminds me when the feeling comes on.

Everything's no good. I've gained back 10 lbs. Damn.

Got the last doctor visit in and ... I'm clean. Just that one thing. Plus the other one from before. Of course there's nothing to be done about either, but I'm effectively relationship crippled now. "Hi, nice meeting you, BTW I have these two issues that you need to know about..." I can see the prospects fleeing into the woods now. I had my other handicaps already, and now this... It'll never happen for me now.

I'm so lonely. When I cry now, it builds up to a wail of misery. I miss Mr. W., but he just cut me off and left me - not a single thing since. I hate my life, no one to kiss, to hold, to cook for, to look at me with love in their eyes, to even hold hands with. I'll never have my own house, a car, money to get what I'd like, I see everyone around me and I only see that they have what I do not have. I hate my job, I just feel stupid and incompetent everyday now. I hate having to think of it as a thing to escape from too.

There's nothing I can do. Ahh, my chest hurts from the pressure of holding it all in even as I cry now.

I wish there was just an off switch. I had a passing fancy of just getting up from the desk and just running into traffic. The chaos that'd be if I would just do that. But I'm a filthy coward, and it's not happening. I'm sure there'd be regret, but why not count relief as a good thing too?

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