Thursday, July 31, 2008

If I had any determination, I'd use this recent snub to ensure that it's the last fucktard that gets away with it.

It occurs to me to send him bogus exterminator notices for bedbug treatments with deadlines that must be kept. Or send flyers to his neighbors that he has them and he's refusing access to treat for them. Most diabolical of all would be to actually get them and chauffer them into the apartment under his door.

Gifts? Hmpf. A bottle of skunky beer and a packet of rat poison bait. Drink up and have a snack - you rat!

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Just for the record, both Mr. Fade AND the new guy suddenly popped up out of the woodwork. I told Mr. Fade that I'd honestly tagged him as MIA and he seemed surprised by it...he told me to call him too. Sigh. I gave new guy the online benefit of the doubt and gave him another go... and don't you know it was worse than before? Sigh. Again the "oh, look at the time-gotta go feeling" and that's just not going to work for me. Goodbye, Mr. Fade, goodbye new guy...

There's always a next person, right? ... that's what other people say, but it's not how I like it. Still, I have no choice, so I went back to the start and gamely cast out again. Followed up on a new message from a new someone that wanted to give it a go...he had a preference that he wanted to just meet. I did all the preliminary setups and warning and still got a good to go. That planned out Friday afternoon, I got last minute notice to pick up the cat's ashes from the vet's office and because of that had to reroute like crazy to still keep the meeting. I called him and updated as to the delay, all the proper things one should do when one is late to anything...I even brought a small pastry box to make nice.

He changed where to meet: not good, not bad...his local bar he said, the home away from home. Met up and things were supposededly smooth; we talked, watched baseball, he had some beers, he seemed candid and ok. (in retrospect, maybe there was a case of "beer goggles at play there.) We did more... I offered my usual everything. I thought things went well; we spoke by IM the next day, and the day after that too. A second meet was even arranged to the point where I was in IM conversation with him just the afternoon before. To my utter despair, the next night I found that it was not to be. I called him after work (5:32 pm). And called him (6:47 pm). AND called him (7:25 pm). Three times over the course of the early evening and didn't get any response and absolutely nothing else since. It's a lousy case of "disappear", and though I may be left saying "I don't know why...?", of course, I sure that I really do know why. He's either "near death in hospital" or he's a jerk and I'm pretty sure it's not the "near death" answer!

I'm not poor or a golddigger. I'm not an immigrant looking for a place or a greencard. I'm a nice person and I only wanted to be nice. The disappointment's been tearing me up all day now. Too fast, I somehow even had the time to think I'd invite him to my real life as well, as he was freely giving information regarding his.

Pipedreams. Stuff and Nonsense. I'm just a fool. It passed through my head that it's a good time to cancel the account, lose the ID, tell people goodbye. All this time, the effort and I'm nowhere still. Every miss batters hope out of me until I'm crushed.
My cat died on July 20th. Still adjusting to not having the furball around. Oh sadness...

Having him cremated even though the remains are truly no comfort to have.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I tried to save another person. Well, at least I tried to help them with money. A new addition to the office flock; just here a few months, maybe on the job 5 months, tops. She had such drama going on in her life...sick husband, young children left back home...She used to spend days just sniffling at her desk - it was maddening, I swear. Long story short, I passed her a certain amount of cash that she used to go home with. I waffle between feeling useful and being pawned. I'm indifferent most other times...I think if it was me, I would want someone to do for me? But I never get the good end of the stick it seems.

My other coworker at the job found out that I'd done the good deed and she made mention that she admired me for it - why? it's just cash? - and that I'd be blessed for it. I truthfully told her, no I don't think that'd be so... And privately to myself, I know it's not a blessing because I'm in hell. I'm still hurting over Mr. W. with sadness lately, that becomes paralysing.

The sad thoughts are obsessing in my head at times. I say as a mantra, "I hate my life" to defuse it from howling out of me, but still often just wish that I could be gone, be dead. It's stupid of course, but sometimes the thought of relief is just so compelling. If it was easier to do, then there'd be the potential, but I'm too nerdy, too cowardly. I'd have more chance if I was a farmkid in Nebraska in winter of it happening.

I wish I could tell him that I miss him, but there's no use. I mean I could, but the meaning would never matter, never reach him, make no difference. It won't change anything, it's just weakness, he'd be the upper hand position knowing I'm still whimpering in Brooklyn after all this time. Maybe he'd just pity me... Arrgh.

No new connections made.

I caved and saw Mr. A. yet again. Bad as always, so much that it's almost a routine by now. He's just clueless: I asked him to give me a lovebite and I doubt that he even registered that I squirmed more from that than ANYTHING he's ever done. No effort on his part to do anything to even vary it beyond the bite. Sigh, it was just frustrating. To make matters just so sweet, the other day, I was the one who actually invited him via IM to go see a movie. No response was forthcoming, so I got steamed and that has chilled things ever since. He claimed miscommunication from my offer - You better believe that there was buddy! - and have noticed that he's not popping up to chat as much as before, so hopefully he's getting the message to just leave me alone. I don't miss him very much and I never was the one to initiate convo with him. Perhapos his ego is bruised? He's the stupid jerk for not seeing a SINCERE offer when I really, really wanted a friend to be with. I went out and saw the movie MYSELF!

The non-contact guy sent a hello my way... almost 2 months later! Pffft.

Mrs. S. is contacting from her overseas spot...spouting more conspiracy crap and just hounding me to support her in her misguided fury against the imaginary forces that plague her. I'm exhausted by her antics and she's pissing me off with her stalking me by phone at home, work and cellphone in my pocket. Nice direct line to crazy I have there...

One of the cats is dying, and I'm just a terrible, terrible pet owner. misery all around me.