Ms. S with her paranoia & paranoid delusions called yet again...Griping over her child custody and legal headaches, the shambles that is her life. It's a shame that it's gone so far - it's too late to be telling her, "Look, I think you're crazy too" with a "and here's why" step by step breakdown, without it being taken the wrong way. She's so far gone that she has no idea that she's the problem. And when I don't sympathize with her or support her to her satisfaction, she hangs on the conversation as if waiting for me to confess that all her suspicions are true.

When she so much as asked where was I through her recent troubles, she dismissed my excuse of my being otherwise preoccupied with my own breakup as something minor. "But didn't you tell me that he has, what...attention deficit issues, that he wasn't treating you well? Wasn't this a MONTH ago?".

I think my starting to cry over the phone convinced her a little bit that I was more involved than she perceived. "You miss him." she said. Miss him like crazy...

SO things are pretty gray lately. I haven't done much for myself lately; it's hard to adjust back to the "being without" life again. I've gone out on some of those foodie trips I made endless plans to check out. I went to Bam! Automat and Katz's Delicatessan; underwhelming, or maybe it's just my frame of mind too. It's just a lame way to try and distract myself.

I have to find some way to accept that Mr. W is not so nice, that he's not coming back, that he's just there in S.I. out of reach but I can't ever see him again. I did everything I could and things just ended up the way they have. It makes for a lot of teary-eyed moments, but then it's just about controlling it so I can function.

Ha, the "Sex and the City" episode with the "He's just not that into you" storyline was on again last night. It's true all over again. Less revelation this time, more "oh, so it's that way, is it." I actually flinch now, on seeing the small gestures that I've always craved to have. It's not like before, where I thought it could be different - this time it's knowing that you're found to be wanting.

So, yesterday would have been a year. I had put a guess in my daily calendar, maybe a month and a half ago: Will I make it to a year? Useless milestone markers. The end results are the same, all the time.

I composed a last email message; sent it off at approximately the same time last year that I first met him. It started off as matter-of-fact that I never wanted it to end the way it had...and I tailed off into a few truthful accusations that he'll probably read into as flaws from me. I'm feeling only a slight tug of compulsion to check for a reply or lack of a reply. A good sign, I suppose.

But who am I kidding? I didn't even make it a day before I opened the email to check for any reply...There wasn't any. There won't ever be one.

No more:
sex! (oh, the horror...)
planning the meet a day ahead
last minute primping
anticipation
kisses
touching
just holding
bites received
tongue teasing
goodbye kissing

How do you stop wanting? No response to any of my latest and apparently last attempts to contact Mr. W. So it's loveless time again. I had trouble even venting about it; I just start losing composure if I think about the situation for more than 5 mins at a time straight.

I'm still hitting the acceptance stage of grief, with the other four stages of denial, anger, bargaining and depression coming back for repeat visits. Overall, I've been somewhat numb, I mean I know I'm not radiating any sense of cheer, but I'm functional at work. I do have to fight to keep from crumbling...yesterday was awfully rough. In mid-task at work, I'd start to feel that flushed, choked-up feeling, with tears welling up and stealth eye-wiping. I used to have better control... The worst times though, are at night - that window of time before you actually fall asleep, laying in bed and the sadness creeps in without anything to distract oneself with.

Going through my mind are all the regrets and self-punishments: I gave my best and it wasn't good enough. I can't seem to pick myself up from that fall yet.

Knowing that I'm grieving the loss of something that screams stupidity doesn't make it any easier to get over.

Well, it's stages of grief time.

Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
Anger (why is this happening to me?)
Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
Depression (I don't care anymore)
Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

Seems like I have to be the one to say it's over 'cause Mr. W. is a messed up piece of work. What a load of abuse I've taken only to be forced to have to label him as just a Jerk in the end.

I probably started off in Depression anyways, but the stages can come out of order anyways. I know I was feeling a bit numb, that if I controlled the panic somehow, I could fix whatever was wrong. Mistake. I thought that lately I've been flirting with Acceptance, but that was probably a false reading: it was really more of a Bargaining thing. I know that it sucks as I get stuck in Anger - I'm just angry at everything now. All these stupid little annoyances that just trigger me to explode. Hah - yesterday my co-workers are trying to hint at me to let things go, that you can't have stuff like eating at your insides. I'm sure they're wondering what's really causing me to be all fucked up. If they only knew just how shitty things really are, but of course they're fucking clueless. ..

For example, yesterday I had to catch a bus to do an errand. I had just a 1/2 hour to pick up something at a store before it closed, and the bus didn't show up as per it's time schedule. Now, I usually just seethe at having to wait on the stupid buses, but this time I couldn't hold it in and just started cursing a blue streak on the street at all buses in in general and the MTA that runs the whole crappy system as I had to wait and wait. I was probably getting the "lookout for the crazy person" look from anyone who passed by in the time period where I was venting. Having SEVEN other buses from both bus lines pass by the intersection, all ones in the direction that I couldn't use didn't help the mood at all. As a topper of course, when the fucking bus finally shows up and is coming down the street, 20 mins into my half-hour travel time, there's a second bus right up it's ass! Thankfully, when I finally did get to the store that I needed to go to, they were locking up but let me in to make my purchase. I've shopped there before, so maybe they felt sorry for the dope with the lame excuse of "The bus was late or I'd have been here on time."