Monday, January 7, 2008

Been taking Fatcat to the vet in earnest to see about how he can be made whole again. He's just not going the right way: losing weight, a walking poop-bomb in the house, and wailing at odd moments in the halls. The family's starting to get exasperated with his chronic illness status. So far, I'm out over $500 for the vet bills and cruel irony there's no cure in sight. sigh. It's only money. I know that I'll feel worse if I saved the dollar only to have Fatcat drop dead (and there's the bill for that too!)

I've got the doctor's exam tomorrow for myself. Did all the steps of the test prep...unpleasant business indeed. Now I'm ravenous, but can't eat anything for hours more to come. I'll have to think of what I can have tomorrow in yo-yo binge mode after I'm cut loose. Coconut cravings in the forefront...

Last night, in a sort of last meal frenzy, I made "Osso Bucco" and butter drenched corn grits/polenta. I'd wanted to make both for the longest, and they came out very well. In typical overkill planning, I made a huge tray of meat. Not just the classic beef shin meat, but with short rib flanken meat looked so nice at the market that I tossed it in to cook. When else am I going to braise meat like this again? I cooked it for the family and they liked it...I guess I wish I had someone really special to cook for.

Once I was done, and planning on going to bed...I happened to start to cry for missing Mr. W. again. Just flat out couldn't stop this time. I'm feeling defeated ... it's not getting better, and I just keep hurting. I only wanted to be with someone, I liked him so much and it...I...wasn't enough to be worth keeping. How am I supposed to pick myself up after that. Seeing other people, it's not even envy anymore, it's just flinch away from seeing it cause it hurts me.

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