Running out of old emails from Mr. W. to re-read. I try and remember what I had felt a year ago when I read them for the first time, while it was happening. The incident with this last "disappear" loser guy has shaken my confidence badly. I have to admit that I was quite blindsided by the casual cruelty that some people can have. If I give my all, what does it mean when it's so utterly rejected?
I think back to the times Mr. W. kissed my neck from behind...it actually happened twice. The first time, I was in utter shock...it was a fantasy approach that was being fulfilled and internally I was exulting that it was happening without Mr. W. ever having a clue that I was having a geek moment! The second time I still was hyper aware of it happening, yet I was able to just enjoy the moment. I was able to think that I could have that thrill in that moment ...no, that I could deserve to enjoy it? Only now it's taken away from me.
I'm probably in denial...I try to convince myelf that I'm not even angry with him, that I'm just sad that he chose to go away. Even if he reconciled with me (off in fantasy land again) I know that I would not be able to stay with him. It doesn't stop me from suffering.
I miss him. I don't have any joy anymore. Things are pretty bleak.
What if it was my only opportunity? I'm in a cruel stroke of midnight transformation in a ways...the PCOS is taking hold again, I can't stop aging of course...what if that's all I get?