Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Mr. W. if you only knew how much I think of you, how much I truly miss you... If only it mattered, really. Oh, how I wish that I mattered to you.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

How pathetic is my life? Fantasizing about a lover that left me.. and that's all that I've got. Remembering the things I liked over and over but knowing too that I'll never have them again? And the memory fades of course, so you never really do have the true sensation of it again. Anguish on a deeply personal level. I cried in the shower thinking, what if it was all a lie, everything?! Why did I trust him so much? Why do I trust almost everyone so much?! Does it make any difference if everything was true or not...just questions about my judgement of him as a good person. It could be possible he hated the guilt of telling untold number of lies and couldn't face it any more? Just thought I was repellent and still used me?

I checked my IM service at the late hour of 3AM; figured I was steeled that I could handle the stress of seeing what message or lack thereof awaited me. There was none, which I'd thought pretty likely to one really talks to me anymore. I did see an IM message from Mr. fade that popped up; an IM that said hello, to which I only picked out a smiley icon to wave as a reply, replied "fine" to a query of how are you and I left without chatting. Ever polite, I stated I wasn't staying on, before going. I will not play the object of last resort to you!! He had a too slow reply of "why not?" that showed when I next signed in.

Still, it hurts to have just empty arms and phantom kisses. When will I stop crying this time?

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Just not in the mood to make the effort to vent these days. Too lazy to type or less anguish to pour out maybe? Or I'm just stuck in a numb phase, you know, the depression where you've lost interest in things you once liked? Not much moves me these days; I'm very overworked and stressed out. I'm eating more and more. I have had several bad days in a row where I just feel utterly miserable and can't muster the will to move. I go to work, I stay late, I go home and sleep and do it again the next day. I had another "snap" at work when the boss just kept loading me up with tasks and I sobbed at the desk at one point for about 10 mins. In front of co-workers!

The useless fade-out guy's out of the picture; the most he offered was a cam view that he probably was sharing... I know the type. I tried a new person out and it went ok but then fizzled out. Again no feeling of closeness and then you get the feeling that they just can't get away soon enough. That he never contacted again sort of got under my skin: I mean, how rude! Oh, and then when Mr. A. sends a message asking what am I doing that Saturday evening day and he suggests some vague beach description (which, for the record is the first ever suggestion of some other activity to do) he got all bent out of shape with me when I declined again. I've been politely declining his plans... he only ever sends them via IM, so for just that reason I know I'm not valued. In an IM he asked what the heck was going on. Again, he asks, am I mad at him or something? (I tell him no, but really I mean, Yes, sex with you is lousy for me and I'm tired of wasting effort on a lost cause.) Why? Because I've rebuffed his overtures and it's been two months. I've been getting into the habit of just going online into a site's chatrooms and lingering around just to feel like I am with people - it's really pathetic behavior, because ultimately, it doesn't even give me any comfort. It has a small side effect of allowing me to be online and allowing others to view my profile for the site. (I did finally scrape something together for anew profile, but it's dark again for the moment as I try to regroup yet again.) So, I was was responding to Mr. A's IM chat while I was doing yet another weekend afternoon of living online. I was literally flat on my back, prostrate with no will to move and I have to put up with his nonsense accusations that I'm doing it on purpose to get him frazzled. I as much told him that I didn't appreciate that kind of BS accusation and I shut down the IM. Wonder of wonders, it's been about a week that I haven't opened the application up. I miss the communication with others that it offered, but it's a small step to cutting down the internet addiction.

Still thinking of Mr. W. In fact, I've been overly weepy about it. I just tell myself that I must be no good, that I can't possible be wanted. Look at my miserable failures with men! They only like having their needs met...I can't even get the touching that I need. Not a bite. Can't even imagine him missing me. Just wallowing while thinking of him all the time. I MISS HIM. I would go see him, to finish the plans I had to pass the book to him, pathetic attempt for closure, but I'd hate to see the look of contempt, of annoyance from him for going that far. It would crush me.

Idle thought that I'll soon have to change my outlook to how to live as a spinster. Grow old alone and unloved. Won't even have a body to offer, I'll be truly invisible.