Sunday, March 16, 2008

Went out shopping with Mrs. P. and daughter again. I just feel no empathy anytime the child fusses: I just feel that the kid should be corrected and things should continue from there! Ugh...everyone's kid is ALWAYS the best KID ever brought into the world... Parenthood must foster delusions too!

I'm so lonely. Still missing Mr. W. It's been nonstop recently. I feel the loss of company so keenly. So many things bring him to mind, and I'm still gazing at the ocean photo in sadness.

If he's so good, why is he not here?

I wonder idly if he even misses me? Probably not. I'm sure he's moved on at this point, it hasn't affected him because hey, there's always someone else to meet, right?

Me, I'm just back to nothing again. It should really be familiar territory, but not able to cram all of myself back into the old form, not that I expected to be able to either. I miss him, I miss him...when will it stop aching?

Standing on a nice sunny pre spring day in Manhattan and all I can feel is emptiness that I am not good enough to keep.

Stuck in a baby goods store, with couples, asian female/caucasion male couples to give the extra dig too!, prgenant moms, new family units shopping out furniture, diapers, and all sorts of's a wonder I don't just implode or something. It's not going to happen for me. No boyfriend, no babies, no car, no shared vacations...all the normal stuff is not for me.

It ocurred to me that I'm living with a albatross curse: I can see the future and it can't be changed: it's terrible to be cursed to know.

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