Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I tried to save another person. Well, at least I tried to help them with money. A new addition to the office flock; just here a few months, maybe on the job 5 months, tops. She had such drama going on in her life...sick husband, young children left back home...She used to spend days just sniffling at her desk - it was maddening, I swear. Long story short, I passed her a certain amount of cash that she used to go home with. I waffle between feeling useful and being pawned. I'm indifferent most other times...I think if it was me, I would want someone to do for me? But I never get the good end of the stick it seems.

My other coworker at the job found out that I'd done the good deed and she made mention that she admired me for it - why? it's just cash? - and that I'd be blessed for it. I truthfully told her, no I don't think that'd be so... And privately to myself, I know it's not a blessing because I'm in hell. I'm still hurting over Mr. W. with sadness lately, that becomes paralysing.

The sad thoughts are obsessing in my head at times. I say as a mantra, "I hate my life" to defuse it from howling out of me, but still often just wish that I could be gone, be dead. It's stupid of course, but sometimes the thought of relief is just so compelling. If it was easier to do, then there'd be the potential, but I'm too nerdy, too cowardly. I'd have more chance if I was a farmkid in Nebraska in winter of it happening.

I wish I could tell him that I miss him, but there's no use. I mean I could, but the meaning would never matter, never reach him, make no difference. It won't change anything, it's just weakness, he'd be the upper hand position knowing I'm still whimpering in Brooklyn after all this time. Maybe he'd just pity me... Arrgh.

No new connections made.

I caved and saw Mr. A. yet again. Bad as always, so much that it's almost a routine by now. He's just clueless: I asked him to give me a lovebite and I doubt that he even registered that I squirmed more from that than ANYTHING he's ever done. No effort on his part to do anything to even vary it beyond the bite. Sigh, it was just frustrating. To make matters just so sweet, the other day, I was the one who actually invited him via IM to go see a movie. No response was forthcoming, so I got steamed and that has chilled things ever since. He claimed miscommunication from my offer - You better believe that there was buddy! - and have noticed that he's not popping up to chat as much as before, so hopefully he's getting the message to just leave me alone. I don't miss him very much and I never was the one to initiate convo with him. Perhapos his ego is bruised? He's the stupid jerk for not seeing a SINCERE offer when I really, really wanted a friend to be with. I went out and saw the movie MYSELF!

The non-contact guy sent a hello my way... almost 2 months later! Pffft.

Mrs. S. is contacting from her overseas spot...spouting more conspiracy crap and just hounding me to support her in her misguided fury against the imaginary forces that plague her. I'm exhausted by her antics and she's pissing me off with her stalking me by phone at home, work and cellphone in my pocket. Nice direct line to crazy I have there...

One of the cats is dying, and I'm just a terrible, terrible pet owner. misery all around me.

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