I realized the other day that Mr. W. sent me that Dear Jane email on his birthday. He would say that to him, holidays are just another day, but maybe that was part of why he was so down? Reading his emails made me cry again. I don't mean to give life to false hope but he also wrote about my helping him being connected with my seeing him; that if we weren't then there was no reason to help him. I would still want to help him, even if I was doing it just to make myself feel good about it, but the way the situation is I can't help him if he won't even do anything. Stupid OCD.

Had another chat flake-out. I knew it would. He was just some guy that was rude from the start. Then he had the nerve to strike up conversation and didn't even remember that he was rude before. I was in the mood to just go ahead with it all, but with no further message from him, it was unlikely to go anywhere. So, stood up on a Friday again. I didn't even prep I was so sure of this happening.

I'm at work and just overwhelmed by lack of desire to do anything. I just feel so sad. And now I'm crying again... I miss you.

Today it's a year since I saw Mr. W.

Maybe I'm doing better, or I've yet to come to terms with it. I feel sadness, but am not crying over it.

Nothing's eve come of the wild schemes to go see him. I know that I'm afraid of more hurt if it went wrong...

I just feel inert and quiet.