Friday, March 28, 2008

I'm surprised that I even get up out of bed every day. Where do I get the will to function? The trolling for dates disappointments continue. More no-shows and losers. Ha, Mr. A. even popped in with a "Are you avoiding me?" query. No, I was actually busy with work and basically you've ceased to exist for me...not too harsh is it?

Tonight some stranger messaged me...stating he was looking for a hottie that could be a soulmate. I take all these opening lines with a boulder size grain of salt and usually reply with a "hon, you've reached a plus size gal" opening line and let it go from there. He was prob thrilled to even get a living response so he continued to question me and past the 5 min mark, I sent him my usual tame photo. Bugger then had nerve to ask for a second photo to see my face better: I am so used to people just happening to "forget" to reciprocate that this time, I actually taunted him as to where was his in this exchange. He did send one eventually, and he's not my type at all...but to be ever fair, I sent him a clear shot, only to receive a response of "I'm still undecided" from the boor. No problem jerkweed, I'll be happy to make the decision for us both! Goodluck and goodbye.

supposed to have met some stranger tomorrow, one that kept contacting me...but as I tried to send him a message asking if it was still on tomorrow, don't you know he ignored me? I even sent several times just hello and hi and still nothing. I opened other windows and they all worked, so so much for that BS. Useless, useless wastes of time. Just whimper more about needs and cravings, swallow the contents of the cupboards and fridge in a vain attempt to satisfy the ache.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Trolling has panned out yet again. Some flakeouts wandered back: one was obviously a local young frum Jew that wanted to get another chance after canceling on me a week ago, another was just a random old guy who didn't send any email, and now just didn't answer any calls to the number he provided, thus flaking out a second time! Sigh. I'd jumped yet again back into chat with a determined mind set only to encounter one case where the person I started talking to was a likely prospect...until he revealed that he was married, and he swiftly left conversation upon being told I don't look for that type. Damned weasel.

Left stuck talking to the sleazy loser pervs that keep persisting in their efforts to have me give up revealing photos for their perusement...For them to acertain if there's any "chemistry" that will be revealed by photos. Bad enough to humilate myself by having to tell them in pre-emptive chat strikes that I'm a fat chick, I'm bluntly told by some that I have to submit photos for approval before they deign to consort with me. Go to hell, jerks!

Ohh, I miss you Mr. W. I could and do weep for the loneliness and hopelessness that I go through all the time since losing you.

News from Mrs. P. regarding the ever insane Ms. S. Ms. S. has apparently blown a gasket and somehow hopped BACK into the States with children in tow, in violation of custody arrangements and international laws and such. So now it's a Federal issue and I honestly can't wait for the authorities to toss her in jail and hopefully commit her for her medical issues. Enough already, you crazy bitch! Troublemaker... and not the least of which is that I have all the parts for her stupid guardian angel jewelry obsession now sitting here without a purpose. Another hundred dollars down the tubes. It'll be such fun showing them to her from across a prison window... good god.

Monday, March 24, 2008

While waiting for a bus home, it came to mind that as a scifi fan, I know of the proposed existence of parallel universes, infinite in number. Therefore in that line of thought, there is one universe where everything is the same as the one I exist in, but in that other universe, there's a Mr. W. welcoming the equivalent of me. Ow, did that give me a pain to wince over. Talk about reaching for misery...

Friday, March 21, 2008

Been trolling the internet dating options again. I'm talking to people, actually passing the phone number to some of them. I made chat plans to meet some of these men knowing that the odds of them doing anything are ZERO. Stupid flake-outs: I had arranged for Wed, Thurs and Friday and they all caved. Ok, one of them may be my fault: I was passing email address info and the site may have been blocking the transmisson of the information. One of them was actually proactive enough to say it in an IM message, but still gets zero for the end result.

I talked with a few others who just question and question me...the mental sniffers. Oh they're all talk, but they never come through. Put up or shut up, I can't bear these on the fence losers!

I've been moderating the frustration with shopping. I bought new jeans, new shoes, new shirts, new bras, new socks... I'm running out of goods to consume and diverting funds that should be applied to debt.

I even picked up the stupid guardian angel jewelry for Ms. S. Her only attempt at contact was the other Sunday: left a message basically saying did I buy it yet. Fucking bitch! Why don't you try working my work schedule and go shopping with your own money if you want it so fast?! Yet I'm the chump who's spending 100 dollars on this USESLESS crap you think you need. I'm sure in a paranoid frenzy she's going to lose them anywy.

I was on the train the other day on a night time shopping trip and a feeling of sadness came over me. I missed Mr. W. and just had to fight to modulate it down. I cried much later at home as I looked at his pic: just squeezed out tears that he chooses to do this. It's deliberate and nothing I can do matters. I'm just not wanted enough.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Went out shopping with Mrs. P. and daughter again. I just feel no empathy anytime the child fusses: I just feel that the kid should be corrected and things should continue from there! Ugh...everyone's kid is ALWAYS the best KID ever brought into the world... Parenthood must foster delusions too!

I'm so lonely. Still missing Mr. W. It's been nonstop recently. I feel the loss of company so keenly. So many things bring him to mind, and I'm still gazing at the ocean photo in sadness.

If he's so good, why is he not here?

I wonder idly if he even misses me? Probably not. I'm sure he's moved on at this point, it hasn't affected him because hey, there's always someone else to meet, right?

Me, I'm just back to nothing again. It should really be familiar territory, but not able to cram all of myself back into the old form, not that I expected to be able to either. I miss him, I miss him...when will it stop aching?

Standing on a nice sunny pre spring day in Manhattan and all I can feel is emptiness that I am not good enough to keep.

Stuck in a baby goods store, with couples, asian female/caucasion male couples to give the extra dig too!, prgenant moms, new family units shopping out furniture, diapers, and all sorts of's a wonder I don't just implode or something. It's not going to happen for me. No boyfriend, no babies, no car, no shared vacations...all the normal stuff is not for me.

It ocurred to me that I'm living with a albatross curse: I can see the future and it can't be changed: it's terrible to be cursed to know.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Ms. S with her paranoia & paranoid delusions called yet again...She was actually calling to say thank you for my scanning of documents for her and apparantly wanted to ask a favor...By chance, the call launched into the long-coming, albeit impromptu, "You Need A Psychologist" talk. She's been so crazy lately in her emails to Mrs. P.

Uggh. She was belligerent, rambling on and on about how unfair it was that she was always being labelled crazy. I couldn't out argue her, she'd make outlandish claims and in total belief of them too. I could only urge that she go to a qualified psychologist.

She mentioned she'd love to have someone come stay with her - for support. Like anyone has the time to drop and stay with her scattered ass...

She asked for me to get her guardian angel jewelry for the kids: and in the same conversation expressed some belief that I have some vast fortune socked away to use at whim.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

So I was totally stir crazy again. It's a week till I hit cycle and I was weak; I foolishly took the only option I had open for sex again. I went out with Mr. A. again. It was exactly as bad as I predicted it could be: unsatisfying, and just a waste of time. Again no reward, not even as I made sure to steer action towards having even a chance of it happen. I am so disappointed.

I missed Mr. W. so keenly at so many times that's it's enough to convince that I shouldn't plan on ever seeing Mr. A. again and I'll have to find some way to get the message thru to him. Who knows, maybe some level of shame at his own performance will shoo him off.

No reward, he gets B O when he sweats, he kisses like a fish, no reciprication, he tastes terrible...he's fat and small in the equipment dept. to boot. What a waste of effort from me. Truly a miserable time.

After a speedy 1st round that he wasn't able to perform as requested : "Don't you like it on top?" No - because I do all the work! He failed on the second round, even though I gave him a lengthy (for him!) bj, he still couldn't come close to pleasing me, and he lost wood, muttering BS about how he was feeling choked by the condom on the second round. I didn't have any inclination to even help him again. I was so frustrated. I almost let myself cry that I missed Mr. W. at one point there...but tears would have been too much to explain.

I'm so unhappy. I'm stuck in this rut. Wanting what I can't have. I've been fantasizing about Mr. W. for awhile now; remembering how good he was with me. Wishing I had the chance to orgasm with him, I went without sex for so long that I felt I could achieve it at this point if only I had him again.