Sunday, June 8, 2008

How pathetic is my life? Fantasizing about a lover that left me.. and that's all that I've got. Remembering the things I liked over and over but knowing too that I'll never have them again? And the memory fades of course, so you never really do have the true sensation of it again. Anguish on a deeply personal level. I cried in the shower thinking, what if it was all a lie, everything?! Why did I trust him so much? Why do I trust almost everyone so much?! Does it make any difference if everything was true or not...just questions about my judgement of him as a good person. It could be possible he hated the guilt of telling untold number of lies and couldn't face it any more? Just thought I was repellent and still used me?

I checked my IM service at the late hour of 3AM; figured I was steeled that I could handle the stress of seeing what message or lack thereof awaited me. There was none, which I'd thought pretty likely to one really talks to me anymore. I did see an IM message from Mr. fade that popped up; an IM that said hello, to which I only picked out a smiley icon to wave as a reply, replied "fine" to a query of how are you and I left without chatting. Ever polite, I stated I wasn't staying on, before going. I will not play the object of last resort to you!! He had a too slow reply of "why not?" that showed when I next signed in.

Still, it hurts to have just empty arms and phantom kisses. When will I stop crying this time?

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