Friday, December 21, 2007

When I get to the target weight, I'll buy myself a nice dress, the whole outfit. Hopefully there'll be someone to wear it for too...

Thursday, December 20, 2007

an IM conversation with some casual chatbuddy:

me: just went on ebay to bid on some used game

friend: oh what was it

me: another way to occupy my time; indulge in some cheaper time waste, some nintendo games

friend: so u got a game console of some kind

me: mostly nintedo ds, gamecube

friend: yeah..santas bringing a xbox cost santa alot of money

me: well so long as you've been good.

friend: lol well i hope so

friend: have you been good this year

me: too good

friend: oh well u should be well rewarded

me: sure. I'll wait for karma.

friend: lol, so what ya really hoping for

me: nothing, I don't ever expect anything

friend: oh you want for nothing..

me: no, I'm not disappointed if it doesn't come

friend: surely there must be something you would like that brightens your day

friend: hmmmm, well what ever comes your way i hope its just what you hope for

I wish that I could stop missing Mr. W. That it would stop hurting, that I would feel better already.

portion of an Advice column on NERVE:

As for what's happening right now, three days of unreturned email in a long-distance relationship doesn't indicate a future-girlfriend-caliber level of interest on her part. The "don't have the means to see you" I also don't understand. You know what I did when I wanted to see my boyfriend in high school and couldn't afford the bus? I collected cans. I shit you not. I spent two weekends hunting down sticky Pepsi containers and piss-and-cigarette-butt filled King Cobra bottles by the side of the road. Then I spent several afternoons hauling them to the bottle return so I could take public transportation that smelled like rancid buffet food to see my one and only. People who are really into other people find ways to make things happen. If she truly couldn't afford to come see you but were still mega-interested, then she'd damn sure be burning up the email, instant messenger, and phone lines. This isn't to say she doesn't like you. It could just mean she's thinking differently about the relationship. You're a nice guy, but you don't live in her area and therefore she's not going to take the whole affair too seriously. Perhaps you can start thinking about the relationship that way, as one with limited potential, and it will help cool down some of the analysis. I like this girl, I'm excited, but it's probably not going to be a thing, so I'm going to be more a lot more proactive about pursuing other options. I know that's easier said than done when you really like someone, but you'll be surprised how easy it is to transfer your depleted feelings when you meet a more responsive prospect. We can only chase after people who don't want us for so long.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Oh, Oww...the meds are giving me liver pains...! Had minor pains in the past, mostly felt like heartburn, but more of a centered pain or towards the right side. Now I've been getting these episodes of lingering fades, but it's impossible to escape when it's present. Had it happen late Thanksgiving night, the Wednesday night I baked for the office party and in the afternoon today while I was out shopping with Ms. P. at FAO Schwarz. Don't know if it's the new med in my pharmacopeia causing the intense distress. It might be the pancreantitis that Mom had in the past- now I can empathize with how painful hers really was. I took the meds after I ate, so that may be the reason too... It never really seems to matter, but it could be getting log jammed in the guts. I felt heartburn - like pain, then a kind of throbbing pressure in the abdomen (prob my liver about to explode.) and a feeling of tenderness inside. I drank water, took a tylenol and was quietly belching to relieve the pressure. Oh god...I even had a slight case of the hiccups and that was insanely painful! I had to demand if Ms. P. had any candy to try and stop the spasms. She had a cough drop and that worked. I was sweating from the pain of my abdomen getting jostled by hiccups! Holding on against the pain wrung me out, I couldn't focus on anything but trying to keep it in check... I did my best to not be a drip to Ms. P. but I was seriously contemplating calling it a day and skulking home. The only reason that I didn't was the fact that when the pain passes, I usually recover with no lingering effects.

I bought antacids, drank the small amount of water I had left, and eventually took another tylenol...It finally started to fade in intensity. Lasted maybe 2 hours? Probably lasted longer cause I was walking and moving. When the other attacks happened, I was at home and just lay on the floor like a poisoned bug. Not that that always did the trick, but it's easier to writhe in agony in the privacy of one's home than on the main floor of FAO Schwarz!

I also have had a slight cough develop, and it ocurred to me just today that it could be the listed side effect of the new drug. I was wondering where the heck it was coming from, as I wasn't feeling sick from any cold!

On the Mr. W. whining front: I've found a new way to make myself miserable. I've started to re-read his emails matching the current date to the emails he sent a year ago. Really, where did that person go? I miss it all so much.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Office party today. It's snowing hard today too. I actually didn't have too much of a baking frenzy this year for the office cakes. I did my best to do mis en place and measured out all I could in advance on Mon, baked one cake on Tuesday, and two others on Wednesday. The details kept me up late again, but the stress level was less and the cakes turned out well.

Maybe I won't be doing it again, this is the first year I even considered not baking something for the lunch party. I don't really get much reward out of it, but it was gratifying in the past. I was reading another NYT article yesterday, this one was about gift giving. I have a long history of gift giving where I know it was to feel an emotion more than just a gift. A cigar is just a cigar territory...

Mr. W. would tell me not to give him things, that he felt badly about accepting; he always made a point to say thank you. But on the other hand, he'd talk and I could hear that he appreciated things very much. How could I not give at least a decent meal to someone who talked about how he'd eaten only canned ravioli that day, and him a big, strapping 6' 2" guy?

In retrospect, all those incidences of him telling me to not give were just messages to say "Don't care about me." "I don't want you to be close."

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

And how do I feel today?

Sad. Just typing that pushes me to the brink of tears. I'm all hormonal by coincidence of course, it's the end of the cycle for this month. Why, just yesterday I was reading a NYT article about diabetes and depression and how the two can further combine to result in heart disease. After glancing through it, I had to rush to the bathroom in order to gather my composure. Yep, that's what I have to look forward to, and my heart's already broken/bruised/cut out of me.

I went shopping yesterday. Got to Bazzini's and Bed, Bath, Beyond for xmas gifts. I can't imagine shopping at these levels on an everyday basis. What a difference it must be to be able to afford the nicer things in life without caring about the bill. The other month I was at Sahhadi's just to get vanilla beans: a couple was filling a shopping cart with all sorts of gourmet items: various cheeses and jars of things. A hunk of cheese in the $15 dollar range times 12? Times 20? Maybe it was for a holiday party, or they were caterers, but to be able to just casually live that way seems so outof my reach. I'd manage to splurge on one thing, or go mildy overbudget just once, but only with the control that then I'd spend less on myself.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

I don't feel good about myself. I miss Mr. W. Again. Still.
There's the cliche of "Can't Buy Me Love". I'm pulled in two directons regarding finances. On the immediate path, I'm poor. I've got a paycheck to paycheck existence with all the lottery-winner daydreams to boot and no prospects. I've got the basics, yet someone always has more than me...from the house, car, clothes, to the electronic gadgets to die of envy from. It's been instilled in me by my family that saving is the need, although I didn't heed such a common sense message when I was younger. I did eventually start to save part of my income, and even though almost all the members of my immediate family have a headstart on me in the financial goal, I have to realize that I have enough. I won't be wealthy, I won't have leeway to go on a spending spree...but I'll be comfortable? If I can figure out what exactly comfortable is, what to be content would be like. Just say that I have more than some who are less fortunate, some who don't have the ability to put anything aside for the proverbial rainy day.

I don't think about it all the time, but it had just occurred to me, why save if I don't get to enjoy something of it, when I can appreciate it. I totaled up the numbers and the bottom line was really a respectable amount that made me reflect on what's going on in the now. Why all the fear of the rainy day to come? Other people just jump in to sink and splash about - they get by and seem to have a higher sense of satisfaction in life. I don't think that I could become some sort of Franciscan monk and abandon all worthly possessions, but I can't help but wonder what's the point.

I know that flaunting a dollar symbol isn't going to make love come into my life. Sure, tossing the information in someone's face would satisfy some small smarting wound in my self esteem, but the thrill would fade. No positive results, no rewards worth getting.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Had some anxiety lately about getting my maintenance prescriptions refilled. I had about a 1/2 month's supply left, but the GHI system is such a piss-ass piece of shit in comparison to Oxford that by the time I lined up a new doc, what with the delivery delay, I ran out of meds! Probably threw my metabolism all out of whack as I've regained weight, especially with the Thanksgiving food-fest. Need to get back on the exercise treadmill. I should have gotten the carry-over supply prescription, but figured fuck-it, the doctor doesn't even want me as a patient as is...Stupid gastroenterologist listing as a GP. Like that is my fault when I go to him to set up an appointment? All his diagnosis efforts were centered around problems with the gut while all I need was a GP and a refill.

My debt keeps mounting: that "loan" that I granted to Ms. S. is starting to bite my ass. Between the doctor copay and the meds, that just knocked the wind out of my recent holiday buying spree. I have enough to cover, but not to spare, which is a lousy feeling just shy of the night sweats one would get from not having enough at all. Thankfully, I've now covered the IRA for the year and if I can just manage to keep making contributions hopefully, I can get a headstart on 2008. Sad to think that I'd never have made it without the casino refund from my brother and cashing out my three weeks of vacation days. Have to start to budget better and diet as well. Now I've got to worry about high blood pressure in addition to the other ailments... Time to brown-bag healthy lunches. I made a preliminary budget chart: I just don't make enough money!

I'm not even motivated to buy anything for myself these days. Everytime I think of getting someting: new shoes, pants or other drygoods, basic things I need, I find some way to put it off. "I'm still too fat", "I can make do with what I have", "I'll need to buy a few things to avoid mismatching the old stuff with the newer things". Then for something totally frivolous like lingerie, there's the sad "what difference would it make to buy that? No one's going to see it anyway". I could buy a camera, a wireless optical mouse, a better MP3 player, a DVD player, any number of games and games systems... I feel so worthless that I can't even be good to myself and spend money on myself. Instead I should sell off everything that's cluttering up my life.

I half-heartedly made updates to a few online profiles, but never completed them, the usual story there. Nevertheless, I had two responses: one was a immediate throwaway, and the other... wow, the other was intriguing . At least, until I shook myself back to reality and set myself straight. These guys were just trolling for Generic Asian Gal as I have no picture posted. I'm in no way ready to take on the challenges of meeting new people...I'm still in dangerous rebound territory. I mean, I can't even keep my pedicure under control these days, much less think to put myself in any dating pool. I"VE GOT NOTHING. Moot point anyway, as the accounts aren't even activated - I'd have to spend money to just tell somebody "no, thanks".

Still, it'd be nice to have sex again... Abstinence truly shrivels one's spirit. I freely torture myself by remembering good times with Mr. W. and reviving needy memories of when I told myself "Remember this moment, this feeling" in anticipation of losing him. No stomach for having to anticipate another wave of dud men when I go that route again. When I'm ready... if ever.

Mr. W. I still miss you. Tomorrow will be three months and I've suffered terribly all along. Why do I still care? You're so very cold. Guess it comes from the lifestyle you live. I should want to hate you instead, instead of just waiting for it to fade away to feeling nothing.