Friday, February 22, 2008

I returned books for my sister at her library in Manhattan the other day; I didn't spend much time out, no more than an hour out: I had nowhere to go and no interest in spending money. I did find a used copy of an OCD book for sale " The Boy Who Couldn't Stop Washing" and picked it up for only a dollar. The only better deal woould have been free, ha, and it was one of the books I'd seen as a good OCD reference.

It's been building in my mind to go see Mr. W. again. To give him the other OCD book, to return the gift card...of course it's just blatant justification to go see him. I tell myself that I feel guilty for leaving him to his OCD suffering, and convienently forget for a time that he left me. Sigh. I miss him so much and yet I'm afraid of the potential negative reaction of course...It'd really hurt to be driven away. I've not given in to this wish to go see him and yet I haven't been able to stop missing him. I've had better days lately, days where I am able to think just a little beyond the state of misery.

Truthfully, the thoughts have been pretty bleak. "I'm going to be alone. I can't even afford a crackerbox to live in, things are going to be sad from now on"... sometimes I'd rather stay just missing him.

Today, I've been feeling the sense of loss all day. I wanted kissing. I even entertained the thought of seeing Mr. A, but rebelled at the very real chance it would be awful. I thought of emailing or calling Mr. A. and proposing he host me somewhere, demand pampering, demand his company for an entire'd never be any good though, I know it!

Later at home, while online, I persisted in being too smart for my own mental health. I was trying to watch a movie online that never finished loading, and idly did a search on the screenname that resulted in two entries; one was still another account by Mr. W. on yet another dating site. The other entry was a message board for boaters. I guess some people just can't let go of online identities - I can relate to that. I don't think it was there before, or I didn't think to search it. It was last accessed 3 weeks ago. I looked it all over and there were even two pictures of him there. One picture affected me deeply. It's him, looking tanned in the sun on the ocean - 3/4's of the photo is the ocean, and he must be on a boat (his boat) and he looks as good to me as he was. It knocked the air out of me for a bit...It sank in and in that it's gone, out of reach, hopeless. You can't have... And I've started to cry now. No choking pain, no sobs...just tears welling up that won't stop.

The other entry on the message board listed a post from him asking for information about a model of boat. So I looked that up and very likely I have a reference to what the boat looks like. So again, I'm a stalker, grade A. I'll find out the details that you never tell it because I'm smart or is it just the crazy talking? I just have too much time or persistance that sees me through on the obsessions.

Maybe I will have to get that professional counseling: I'm crushing myself at this point.

In both OCD books, there's a mention of compulsive hoarding as a variation of the OCD, so that might just make me be in the same category. Ironic. Like seeking like, but I'm still judged no good. Rejected...

To make it even sadder, I was on the cusp of sending him an IM message that would have said "I miss you every day." a pleading overture for attention. I opened up the IM, I typed it up and held off on hitting the send button. After seeing that picture I closed the IM.

It doesn't matter what I do - it won't affect him. I can have magical thinking that he's missed me too, that all it will take is a reconnection to have him back BUT IT'S NOT TRUE.

why not me?

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