Well, alone on a Friday night again.

I really shouldn't care, right?

Just disappointment.


I learned a bit how to convert online music videos into audio files. Funny, how once you can get a large quantity of something, you can't think straight to choose? I can't think of more than a handful of files that I'd even need to get.

Birthday's come and gone. Feeling kinda OLD, but not too bad, I guess. Concerned that the next milestone is just down the road a ways and then it'll be all "Where did the time go?!?" regrets.

Busy time since last post. Things have happened, but not sure if the attention span will last long enough to cover it all.

Mission to meet the new person a success...sort of. The meet progressed well; however he seems very white-collar, pretty tightly wrapped. Came through on most points of conversation, still failed on two, three things...almost four. Didn't make me feel completely "welcomed" is sorta the only way to describe it? Not overtly, but no closeness developed... perhaps as a result of first time meeting jitters. Also didn't see me the whole way through, so to speak. No message till late the following day... so have the wait and see attitude now if he'll continue respectful contact or just fade away. Verdict so far is only Good, not Great. Sigh. (And oh, look he just sent me a message, but the content was of no significance... so what to do with that now?!?)

The result of this all is that my mood is that I feel lonely right now... stuck listening to versions of Eric Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight" and wishing that someone had that caring regard in the song for me.

I hadn't felt as much pain these days for missing Mr. W. At least, I thought it might be under control, fading little by little perhaps, but it revived a bit as I put myself through the wringer again by thinking of him. Didn't do the surprise visit like I had thought of doing... I put it off in part because I know within me, or fear within me that it's a doomed gesture. I ... passed copies of health info that I'd gathered for him, to a coworker. It was the first time I'd looked through the small stack and as I looked it over, I did start to cry a little right then and there...sad that he wouldn't get care, that he wouldn't listen, that he left me. I cried again later after reading a few old emails again today, still keeping up with the daily review of the old emails, and I had sad thoughts again as a result.

Stress and more stress at work. I should really get back on the happy pills. Perhaps they'd uplift me again? At least keep the "I wish I was dead!" thoughts out of mind, the visions of slashing myself so that all my blood flows out taking all the pain with it too - lol, very melodramatic, isn't it?

Ms. S. wandered into hospital and they saw fit to keep her there. Huzzah! Now if only they can successfully treat her?! After all this drama, I'm just indifferent. I can't be responsible for her care at this point.

Tax time. I plugged in the software and got started on the filing for this year. Sigh. In excess of concern for his welfare, I broke down and emailed Mr. W to inform him of the available tax rebate for this year's income tax filers. Urged him to consider filing, to file for his mom too, with links and highlighted cut and pastes from the IRS site. No response...so it's at least the second email since, that has no reply or acknowledgement. Oh, Ow...


Was chatting with that last guy prospect a bit. He seems to be interested, and is very chatty...I'm just leery of believing it's all good news and stuff. He was hinting more and more that one should be open minded and that ALWAYS raises red flags. At this point, I've become expert at the faintest whiff of BS regarding what people have on their hookup minds.

Gotta wonder how things get solved in this life. I confess that I had a small personal problem. I occasionally noticed I had a odor problem in the VaJayjay area, period of time unknown - 8 months? 10 months?. Being that I wash up as a through scrubber - I'd wash, scrub and rinse things over thoroughly before meeting anyone where'd there'd be clothes removed - It was only a minor embarassment issue. I do have a gynecologist, and she'd helped me with all the major STD issues checked out just the other month. I'd mentioned a problem, plus a slight discharge, but she may have simply overlooked the problem in the surge to discount the potential majors that I might have been at risk for. So the problem continued. I looked up info online again, I had an idea that it was bacterial vaginosis because of the odor issue...and I read about 5 pages before I realized that I could treat it myself. I even read so well that I confirmed the diagnosis wih what was called a whiff test: a fishy odor will be produced if vaginal secretion is combined with semen or soap...no semen available, but soaping in the shower definitely resulted in this response on a fingertip. The cure was metronizadole and fantastically, it was stuff that one of the housecats was supposed to be on. No, I didn't take the cat's pills from the vet! The cat was prescribed it for a gut problem, and I'd picked up a bottle of 100 pills off of the internet that was supposed to treat a tropical fish disease (amusingly enough , it's intended to treat "hole-in-the-head disease.) It's exactly the same stuff. I've checked it out online by viewing pictures of the pills on pharmacy sites, sites that specifically exist to identify pills and theirshapes, colors and codes, and with examination of the uncut pills from the vet's office. At the price, the 100 pills was cheaper than the $8.00 for 10 from the vet's office. I read more pages on the internet looking for dosage and eventually found it at 500 mg so I went with 2 250 mg pills for a week...3-4 days later the problem is gone.

I give up. There's no goodness out there anymore. I was in contact with one more guy and things had actually progressed better than the usual scum floating on the online dating pool. He seemed positive, and I even let myself anticipate going forward with this. Then, just like the others, I get the cancel communique. Sigh. In the actual moment it just hurt a little, I was deflated as I listened to him tell me it's not anything we spoke about, it's not you, we'll reschedule and still do this, he'll make it up to me...I wasn't even having that numbess response. I mean, at best I'd been hoping for a "can't wait to see you" message, a "looking forward to it message"...only to get the slapdown again.

I couldn't even process the pain yet, it's only now seeping out a little. What's the point of yelling and screaming...I don't even know the guy to even miss him. I guess that I will take that break I was considering: I'd taken his message as just one more chance before going on a hiatus. No better excuse than this turn of events, no?

Had one Mr. W. trigger that almost set me off...thinking of his ocean pic again. It's all I have left. It's all that I have left! It's all that I have left...