Thursday, January 17, 2008

Neck pinch trauma continues. Fat Cat has what may be congestive heart failure and Mom had a bad reaction to the meds that the recent doctor prescribed for her hip pain. So that's the scene: 5:30 last night, I'm home to pick up Fatcat for yet another vet visit. I'm home at a reasonable hour for the 1st time in 2 weeks and Mom's not well. She thinks, oh you're home, good....but I can't stay as I have a 5:45 appointment to bring the cat in to the vet and I know he's really sick. So there I have to leave with the cat and not be able to take care of Mom. My Chinese priorities are really fucked up...

I know Fatcat's in a bad was as he's been gasping for air at this point. Either he's ill with something like pneumonia or he's in horrible pain is my guess. The vet that's been seeing him was out for his birthday - yay, who the fuck cares? Happy Birthday... WTF hasn't my cat gotten any better!? - so I had a different vet at the same office take a look at the beast. Just after I'm saying to no one in particular (to the cat maybe?) "Oh, please, don't have congestive heart failure..." The vet turns and looks in surprise at me, saying, well, it does look to be that and asking why would I say that? I told him I came up with it as a narrowing down of how his symptoms seemed to be turning out.

Damn - I hate when I'm right about the bad things.

More tests to come for the cat; I'm in for the amount of what, $1,200.00 total at this juncture? Of which I've paid off 75% of the bills, but at the exclusion of a lot of other things. I guess I'll just run the tab until I cry... Penny pinching's in my future!

There was an "Ask Harriet" column the other day that I should take to mind:

DEAR HARRIETTE: I've been in love with a man for much of my adult life. Part of me feels like an idiot. I have loved and chosen him, but my love has not been reciprocated - he sees me as a friend, not a partner. I have yet to figure out how to be neutral with him. I know it's nuts, but I love him. He is my friend. Sure, I long for more. But is there something I can do to sever my feelings? - Ann, Cambridge, Miss.

Dear Ann: Love is life's wild card. When it is real, it simply is. It doesn't diminish. It lives within your being. So, unlike many of your friends who have told you to deny your feelings, I will not do that. Your feelings for this man are likely quite authentic.
The other side of this situation is also authentic: Your friend did not choose you in the same way you chose him. Painful? Yes. Something you need to accept? Yes. Otherwise, you will allow your feelings to guide your steps. And that can, in a case such as yours, lead to ruin.
It is impossible sometimes for people to believe that their love could be rejected. However, we all face acceptance and rejection, usually multiple times in life. To recover, you must accept your life as it is, including that this man is only available to be your friend. Tell your heart this is the truth. Then allow space for romantic love to enter from another source.

I don't know if it can be called being obssessed over Mr. W. and all. I miss him, it makes me sad that I can't have the slightest contact with him, that he rejected me. I was happy while I was with him. When I get down about things it's about EVERYTHING that could make a person feel bad... I feel defeated, I want to give up. I have distress, not pain but I wish I didn't have to feel it just the same. For almost the whole time I was with him, I didn't have the episodes of wishing that I was dead, I didn't feel hopeless, I was happy that I was with him, and now I'm back to the selftold mantras of "I wish I was dead", "I hate my life, a behavior that popped up to defuse the pain I feel on a moment to moment basis.

The worst pain is to not be wanted. You're just not good enough to keep...I wonder how much interest there really was? Second worst pain is a tie between getting used/realizing that you're being used.

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