Monday, December 3, 2007

Had some anxiety lately about getting my maintenance prescriptions refilled. I had about a 1/2 month's supply left, but the GHI system is such a piss-ass piece of shit in comparison to Oxford that by the time I lined up a new doc, what with the delivery delay, I ran out of meds! Probably threw my metabolism all out of whack as I've regained weight, especially with the Thanksgiving food-fest. Need to get back on the exercise treadmill. I should have gotten the carry-over supply prescription, but figured fuck-it, the doctor doesn't even want me as a patient as is...Stupid gastroenterologist listing as a GP. Like that is my fault when I go to him to set up an appointment? All his diagnosis efforts were centered around problems with the gut while all I need was a GP and a refill.

My debt keeps mounting: that "loan" that I granted to Ms. S. is starting to bite my ass. Between the doctor copay and the meds, that just knocked the wind out of my recent holiday buying spree. I have enough to cover, but not to spare, which is a lousy feeling just shy of the night sweats one would get from not having enough at all. Thankfully, I've now covered the IRA for the year and if I can just manage to keep making contributions hopefully, I can get a headstart on 2008. Sad to think that I'd never have made it without the casino refund from my brother and cashing out my three weeks of vacation days. Have to start to budget better and diet as well. Now I've got to worry about high blood pressure in addition to the other ailments... Time to brown-bag healthy lunches. I made a preliminary budget chart: I just don't make enough money!

I'm not even motivated to buy anything for myself these days. Everytime I think of getting someting: new shoes, pants or other drygoods, basic things I need, I find some way to put it off. "I'm still too fat", "I can make do with what I have", "I'll need to buy a few things to avoid mismatching the old stuff with the newer things". Then for something totally frivolous like lingerie, there's the sad "what difference would it make to buy that? No one's going to see it anyway". I could buy a camera, a wireless optical mouse, a better MP3 player, a DVD player, any number of games and games systems... I feel so worthless that I can't even be good to myself and spend money on myself. Instead I should sell off everything that's cluttering up my life.

I half-heartedly made updates to a few online profiles, but never completed them, the usual story there. Nevertheless, I had two responses: one was a immediate throwaway, and the other... wow, the other was intriguing . At least, until I shook myself back to reality and set myself straight. These guys were just trolling for Generic Asian Gal as I have no picture posted. I'm in no way ready to take on the challenges of meeting new people...I'm still in dangerous rebound territory. I mean, I can't even keep my pedicure under control these days, much less think to put myself in any dating pool. I"VE GOT NOTHING. Moot point anyway, as the accounts aren't even activated - I'd have to spend money to just tell somebody "no, thanks".

Still, it'd be nice to have sex again... Abstinence truly shrivels one's spirit. I freely torture myself by remembering good times with Mr. W. and reviving needy memories of when I told myself "Remember this moment, this feeling" in anticipation of losing him. No stomach for having to anticipate another wave of dud men when I go that route again. When I'm ready... if ever.

Mr. W. I still miss you. Tomorrow will be three months and I've suffered terribly all along. Why do I still care? You're so very cold. Guess it comes from the lifestyle you live. I should want to hate you instead, instead of just waiting for it to fade away to feeling nothing.

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