Sunday, September 23, 2007

The grieving period that the loss of yet another chance at happiness comes on like an emotional low grade fever: it refuses to be shaken until it's burned through it's course. Coming to grips with romantic disappointment often just stops me in my tracks, I can't function. I'll just feel like crying and I just wallow in the misery. It's not like I had that many opportunities to prepare myself for it, I mean I actually spent most of my life thinking I'd never meet anyone who'd want to spend any time with me. As it is, I'll be preoccupied with the sadness, only to have it pass for awhile and then it sucker-punches me with renewed intensity.

I hate my life: I have the need to say it out loud when pain spins in my head. I hadn't had the need to say it for awhile though, what with the happy pills working pretty well. The close company with Mr. W. was restorative as well. But that's not working out anymore as he continues to fail me. Not a call, not an email - he wants to be gone and the way he is, he can't be reasoned with. I'm growing more resigned that there's not much more I can do but to give up. I offered him help, and I would have done what I can to help him in his situation, but I can't expect that he'll just take it. The person needs to want help after all and I can't reduce myself to begging. I just feel crushed.

When I went through it the first time with Mr. P. ; I worked through my days like a zombie, and I wept when I was alone, it was the first time I'd had hope to be lost. By never risking anything, I convinced myself that I'd be safer that way. It took me a year, to a year and a half to be gone of most of that disaster. That was a six month investment of time...I can only wait to find out how long this will take to clear.

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