"Thinking about the way your life is today, that is, given the good things in your life now and any problems you might be having, IF you knew the QUALITY of your life would never change, that is, it would never get beter or worse, do you feel that suicide would be a good way out?"
Looked up "suicidal ideation"today. That's probably saying too much in any forum. The above was one of a series of questions to assess a person's likely risk of doing the ultimate "going all the way" that there is... Once I hit the words "QUALITY of your life would never change..." I had to give voice to a wail of despair: fear that I had to express that feeling of please, may it not be that way! Life in hell still.
Thanksgiving we went all out in the usual cooking the meal for visiting relatives. A new dessert record was reached: A pan of brownies, mini-carrot cakes, min-pecan pies, a fresh fruit tart, two pans of flan and a pumpkin pie ... all from scratch and everything was eaten!
Later that night, after everyone left, I was tired but still wound up from the energy of the day... I had to vent with a crying spell. So lonely, the excitement of giving was over and there was no one else to impress..... I missed him again, still grieving over it falling apart. Just alone downstairs, sitting in the semi-dark and weeping until the need to do so passed.