Just dragging my ass around today. Can't focus. I feel so lonely, yet I can't muster the effort to start over again. Fearful of the bad results I'd had in the previous attempts. I know that I should just take it easy for awhile, but it's going on two months and I miss what I had. Still having the nighttime crying jags.
The other day I had to listen in silence as coworkers, by chance, happened to discuss what was the same travel route I used to take to see Mr. W; my mind filled in every detail, and remembered many trips taken and yet not a chirp outta me...but I hurt inside over it. To think that I had once had to worry about someone possibly seeing me on that route while out late at night with Mr. W. A baseless fear in the end, so maybe it was really just a wishful thrill to want to be caught? An existential pinch-me-so-that-I-know-it's-for-real.
Mr. W checked his account the other day. Don't think I didn't wonder at his having set it up as a premium listing either...just more sadness about how I really just trusted him too much. I never even thought to check up on him during the whole time together. I had let my own account lapse, but it does torment me to wonder how bad it was, and I didn't look out for myself in that fashion. I'm caught up in unhealthy stalker mode again... Stupid internet! So easy to dig up info to torment myself with. What was that tidbit of advice that I viewed on the net? "Stop thinking about the other person in a breakup, because they are not thinking about you." (paraphrase) I think he deleted the profile recently, it's not coming up via a search now, so no more temptation to check up on him that way anymore.