Wednesday, October 10, 2007

How do you stop wanting? No response to any of my latest and apparently last attempts to contact Mr. W. So it's loveless time again. I had trouble even venting about it; I just start losing composure if I think about the situation for more than 5 mins at a time straight.

I'm still hitting the acceptance stage of grief, with the other four stages of denial, anger, bargaining and depression coming back for repeat visits. Overall, I've been somewhat numb, I mean I know I'm not radiating any sense of cheer, but I'm functional at work. I do have to fight to keep from crumbling...yesterday was awfully rough. In mid-task at work, I'd start to feel that flushed, choked-up feeling, with tears welling up and stealth eye-wiping. I used to have better control... The worst times though, are at night - that window of time before you actually fall asleep, laying in bed and the sadness creeps in without anything to distract oneself with.

Going through my mind are all the regrets and self-punishments: I gave my best and it wasn't good enough. I can't seem to pick myself up from that fall yet.

Knowing that I'm grieving the loss of something that screams stupidity doesn't make it any easier to get over.

No comments: