No enthusiasm to post for a long, long time now. There's days that I felt that I should post, but settling down to do the actual typing was just too much trouble.

Lots of work at the job. Just more stress day after day, running in place to get things done. I finally got a raise this year and an actual bonus rather than just a simple week's pay. Still I often feel ike it's not worth it at all. I dream of just quitting, walking away and living like a bum at home. I have a little money, I could leach off others for quite some time I'm sure...it'd be totally abnormal behavior for me though, to stay inactive. Myabe if I was someone's housewife or girlfriend it would work, god knows that I am easily distracted by the nerdiest, mundane stuff after all. Keeping a set of pots shining clean, cooking meals that take all day to prep, loads of laundry to get everything clean at one shot. In my past life, I must have been a domestic drudge...

Let's see: what's to update? I still miss Mr. W. The longing is less intense, but I still weep at times. Recently, I used the postal zip code finder the other day to complete the partial address I had for him: I put him on the mailing list for some OCD info from the NYC Health Dept. Figured, he's gonna get all spooked about getting it from out of the blue and all, but oh well. I still have not mailed him the other items that I had out of fear that they would get lost in the mail. He's often in my thoughts; I saw some broad shoulders the other day in a video and I ached for him. I read an article about a bus accident in his area of S.I. When I Googled up the view and found that the street mappers had been in that part of town, thanks to the power of the internet...I can see the building he lives in AND his vehicle. It matches the few pics he'd sent to me in the past to show some construction that was happening in his neighborhood. I'm a stalker extraordinare now. Some sad accomplishment there!

I'd met a few people too. I did the lazy thing and saw Mr. A. again. He's really just no good for me and I need to find some way to just tell him it's not working. He had an injury in the winter and was unable to travel much; I didn't even check up on him. More often that not I told him I wasn't interested in his plans and he'd just back off meekly. He was all gung-ho when we finally did get together that he even went out of his way to try new things, but it just wasn't any use to me. I'm just so intolerant of his lack of skills these days! At most he talks to me, but it's not what fulfills me.

I met another chat person, Mr. TM and he was a better experience, but of course it's short supply. He's older and higher class I suppose...slumming it a bit and looking for thrills. He pleased me, but of course I can't ever have what I want: Always too busy for poor, giving me. Setting meets and breaking them: one request, I had the flu, for crying out loud! I feel it's no use with no communication in over a month and it's not what I signed up for.

A friend, Mrs. F, tried to do me a good deed, a favor, by setting me up with the son of a friend of her mom's, Mr. D. She'd asked if I had any interest about a year ago, and I'd demurred thinking I wasn't presentable as a candidate for anyone. Well, she brought it up again and out of a need for a change I said ok, I'll try it. The guy seemed to be game to try and we even went on a Sunday movie date. Not only does he have wandering hands on me, but he starts professing need for me in his life and would I have his child(?!) and all this in the space of 2-3 weeks. The problem is eventually revealed that he's a nutjob, a stereotypical postal worker nutjob. The decay starts showing right away: we get off to a bad start physically, and he starts to lecture me on weight and lifestyle, but not for my health but for me to be healthy in order to be able to be with him later on in life! This veiled talk reads to me as he's not happy with me as I am and I am devastated to hear it. Fooled again, and no, there's no fairy tale ending, it's not going to be THAT easy to be normal. I gave him further chances even as he displayed mental health issues as interest in mental illnesses, repressed anger, passive/aggressive behaviors that any one of them should have been a dealbreaker. I even invited him to meet the family over Chinese New Year and the jerk stood me up...stood my whole family up!! There were more lame attempts to stay in contact, but the last ended as stupidly as the rest...he initiated a conversation and then just didn't return a call. What a waste of time.

In the chat world, a small side note. Mr. Fade said hello again. Two people from the past sent hello's my way but didn't realize we'd met. One was the Cowboy and the other was the Yuppie Jerk. I actually replied to Cowboy with a reply of thanks, but no thanks - I'd rather keep the scant good memories of him. And Yuppie Jerk was just "Thank you, but no." Sometimes I have felt temptation to check out Cowboy again, but am way leery as he's probably a hot mess and Yuppie Jerk took all my restraint to not tell him who I was and that he was an idiot. Karma, baby! I wonder if I will hear from Mr. P or Mr. W. then...what are my odds? Perhaps only when I no longer care.

In between all the other bullshit happening today, I stop to read an article about a French film/book called "Le Cliente". It centers around the new acceptance in French culture of older women getting a sexual revolution: they're going after the sex for pleasure. That's the gist of the article...Well, I read down to the last section and the characters in the book are described: the female protagonist's name is Mr. W's pet name for me. I just welled up and cried right there.

Not keeping current with posts. Some neutral days and some severely distressed days in the mix. I still miss him - the 1 year gone date passed and the week leading up was tough to get through. I feel pretty hopeless and stuck thinking that's the best I was ever going to get. Look at the dregs that I have to compare it with!

more advice column trimmings:

I know it's hard to walk away from someone you love, but it's time to start thinking about walking toward something better. You deserve a man who loves you just as passionately as you love him. When you find it, you will see that reciprocated love is so much more deep and fulfilling than one-sided love.

I realized the other day that Mr. W. sent me that Dear Jane email on his birthday. He would say that to him, holidays are just another day, but maybe that was part of why he was so down? Reading his emails made me cry again. I don't mean to give life to false hope but he also wrote about my helping him being connected with my seeing him; that if we weren't then there was no reason to help him. I would still want to help him, even if I was doing it just to make myself feel good about it, but the way the situation is I can't help him if he won't even do anything. Stupid OCD.

Had another chat flake-out. I knew it would. He was just some guy that was rude from the start. Then he had the nerve to strike up conversation and didn't even remember that he was rude before. I was in the mood to just go ahead with it all, but with no further message from him, it was unlikely to go anywhere. So, stood up on a Friday again. I didn't even prep I was so sure of this happening.

I'm at work and just overwhelmed by lack of desire to do anything. I just feel so sad. And now I'm crying again... I miss you.

Today it's a year since I saw Mr. W.

Maybe I'm doing better, or I've yet to come to terms with it. I feel sadness, but am not crying over it.

Nothing's eve come of the wild schemes to go see him. I know that I'm afraid of more hurt if it went wrong...

I just feel inert and quiet.

Running out of old emails from Mr. W. to re-read. I try and remember what I had felt a year ago when I read them for the first time, while it was happening. The incident with this last "disappear" loser guy has shaken my confidence badly. I have to admit that I was quite blindsided by the casual cruelty that some people can have. If I give my all, what does it mean when it's so utterly rejected?

I think back to the times Mr. W. kissed my neck from behind...it actually happened twice. The first time, I was in utter shock...it was a fantasy approach that was being fulfilled and internally I was exulting that it was happening without Mr. W. ever having a clue that I was having a geek moment! The second time I still was hyper aware of it happening, yet I was able to just enjoy the moment. I was able to think that I could have that thrill in that moment ...no, that I could deserve to enjoy it? Only now it's taken away from me.

I'm probably in denial...I try to convince myelf that I'm not even angry with him, that I'm just sad that he chose to go away. Even if he reconciled with me (off in fantasy land again) I know that I would not be able to stay with him. It doesn't stop me from suffering.

I miss him. I don't have any joy anymore. Things are pretty bleak.

What if it was my only opportunity? I'm in a cruel stroke of midnight transformation in a ways...the PCOS is taking hold again, I can't stop aging of course...what if that's all I get?

I'm so lonely.

If I had any determination, I'd use this recent snub to ensure that it's the last fucktard that gets away with it.

It occurs to me to send him bogus exterminator notices for bedbug treatments with deadlines that must be kept. Or send flyers to his neighbors that he has them and he's refusing access to treat for them. Most diabolical of all would be to actually get them and chauffer them into the apartment under his door.

Gifts? Hmpf. A bottle of skunky beer and a packet of rat poison bait. Drink up and have a snack - you rat!

Just for the record, both Mr. Fade AND the new guy suddenly popped up out of the woodwork. I told Mr. Fade that I'd honestly tagged him as MIA and he seemed surprised by it...he told me to call him too. Sigh. I gave new guy the online benefit of the doubt and gave him another go... and don't you know it was worse than before? Sigh. Again the "oh, look at the time-gotta go feeling" and that's just not going to work for me. Goodbye, Mr. Fade, goodbye new guy...

There's always a next person, right? ... that's what other people say, but it's not how I like it. Still, I have no choice, so I went back to the start and gamely cast out again. Followed up on a new message from a new someone that wanted to give it a go...he had a preference that he wanted to just meet. I did all the preliminary setups and warning and still got a good to go. That planned out Friday afternoon, I got last minute notice to pick up the cat's ashes from the vet's office and because of that had to reroute like crazy to still keep the meeting. I called him and updated as to the delay, all the proper things one should do when one is late to anything...I even brought a small pastry box to make nice.

He changed where to meet: not good, not bad...his local bar he said, the home away from home. Met up and things were supposededly smooth; we talked, watched baseball, he had some beers, he seemed candid and ok. (in retrospect, maybe there was a case of "beer goggles at play there.) We did more... I offered my usual everything. I thought things went well; we spoke by IM the next day, and the day after that too. A second meet was even arranged to the point where I was in IM conversation with him just the afternoon before. To my utter despair, the next night I found that it was not to be. I called him after work (5:32 pm). And called him (6:47 pm). AND called him (7:25 pm). Three times over the course of the early evening and didn't get any response and absolutely nothing else since. It's a lousy case of "disappear", and though I may be left saying "I don't know why...?", of course, I sure that I really do know why. He's either "near death in hospital" or he's a jerk and I'm pretty sure it's not the "near death" answer!

I'm not poor or a golddigger. I'm not an immigrant looking for a place or a greencard. I'm a nice person and I only wanted to be nice. The disappointment's been tearing me up all day now. Too fast, I somehow even had the time to think I'd invite him to my real life as well, as he was freely giving information regarding his.

Pipedreams. Stuff and Nonsense. I'm just a fool. It passed through my head that it's a good time to cancel the account, lose the ID, tell people goodbye. All this time, the effort and I'm nowhere still. Every miss batters hope out of me until I'm crushed.

My cat died on July 20th. Still adjusting to not having the furball around. Oh sadness...

Having him cremated even though the remains are truly no comfort to have.

I tried to save another person. Well, at least I tried to help them with money. A new addition to the office flock; just here a few months, maybe on the job 5 months, tops. She had such drama going on in her life...sick husband, young children left back home...She used to spend days just sniffling at her desk - it was maddening, I swear. Long story short, I passed her a certain amount of cash that she used to go home with. I waffle between feeling useful and being pawned. I'm indifferent most other times...I think if it was me, I would want someone to do for me? But I never get the good end of the stick it seems.

My other coworker at the job found out that I'd done the good deed and she made mention that she admired me for it - why? it's just cash? - and that I'd be blessed for it. I truthfully told her, no I don't think that'd be so... And privately to myself, I know it's not a blessing because I'm in hell. I'm still hurting over Mr. W. with sadness lately, that becomes paralysing.

The sad thoughts are obsessing in my head at times. I say as a mantra, "I hate my life" to defuse it from howling out of me, but still often just wish that I could be gone, be dead. It's stupid of course, but sometimes the thought of relief is just so compelling. If it was easier to do, then there'd be the potential, but I'm too nerdy, too cowardly. I'd have more chance if I was a farmkid in Nebraska in winter of it happening.

I wish I could tell him that I miss him, but there's no use. I mean I could, but the meaning would never matter, never reach him, make no difference. It won't change anything, it's just weakness, he'd be the upper hand position knowing I'm still whimpering in Brooklyn after all this time. Maybe he'd just pity me... Arrgh.

No new connections made.

I caved and saw Mr. A. yet again. Bad as always, so much that it's almost a routine by now. He's just clueless: I asked him to give me a lovebite and I doubt that he even registered that I squirmed more from that than ANYTHING he's ever done. No effort on his part to do anything to even vary it beyond the bite. Sigh, it was just frustrating. To make matters just so sweet, the other day, I was the one who actually invited him via IM to go see a movie. No response was forthcoming, so I got steamed and that has chilled things ever since. He claimed miscommunication from my offer - You better believe that there was buddy! - and have noticed that he's not popping up to chat as much as before, so hopefully he's getting the message to just leave me alone. I don't miss him very much and I never was the one to initiate convo with him. Perhapos his ego is bruised? He's the stupid jerk for not seeing a SINCERE offer when I really, really wanted a friend to be with. I went out and saw the movie MYSELF!

The non-contact guy sent a hello my way... almost 2 months later! Pffft.

Mrs. S. is contacting from her overseas spot...spouting more conspiracy crap and just hounding me to support her in her misguided fury against the imaginary forces that plague her. I'm exhausted by her antics and she's pissing me off with her stalking me by phone at home, work and cellphone in my pocket. Nice direct line to crazy I have there...

One of the cats is dying, and I'm just a terrible, terrible pet owner. misery all around me.

Mr. W. if you only knew how much I think of you, how much I truly miss you... If only it mattered, really. Oh, how I wish that I mattered to you.

How pathetic is my life? Fantasizing about a lover that left me.. and that's all that I've got. Remembering the things I liked over and over but knowing too that I'll never have them again? And the memory fades of course, so you never really do have the true sensation of it again. Anguish on a deeply personal level. I cried in the shower thinking, what if it was all a lie, everything?! Why did I trust him so much? Why do I trust almost everyone so much?! Does it make any difference if everything was true or not...just questions about my judgement of him as a good person. It could be possible he hated the guilt of telling untold number of lies and couldn't face it any more? Just thought I was repellent and still used me?

I checked my IM service at the late hour of 3AM; figured I was steeled that I could handle the stress of seeing what message or lack thereof awaited me. There was none, which I'd thought pretty likely to be...no one really talks to me anymore. I did see an IM message from Mr. fade that popped up; an IM that said hello, to which I only picked out a smiley icon to wave as a reply, replied "fine" to a query of how are you and I left without chatting. Ever polite, I stated I wasn't staying on, before going. I will not play the object of last resort to you!! He had a too slow reply of "why not?" that showed when I next signed in.

Still, it hurts to have just empty arms and phantom kisses. When will I stop crying this time?

Just not in the mood to make the effort to vent these days. Too lazy to type or less anguish to pour out maybe? Or I'm just stuck in a numb phase, you know, the depression where you've lost interest in things you once liked? Not much moves me these days; I'm very overworked and stressed out. I'm eating more and more. I have had several bad days in a row where I just feel utterly miserable and can't muster the will to move. I go to work, I stay late, I go home and sleep and do it again the next day. I had another "snap" at work when the boss just kept loading me up with tasks and I sobbed at the desk at one point for about 10 mins. In front of co-workers!

The useless fade-out guy's out of the picture; the most he offered was a cam view that he probably was sharing... I know the type. I tried a new person out and it went ok but then fizzled out. Again no feeling of closeness and then you get the feeling that they just can't get away soon enough. That he never contacted again sort of got under my skin: I mean, how rude! Oh, and then when Mr. A. sends a message asking what am I doing that Saturday evening day and he suggests some vague beach description (which, for the record is the first ever suggestion of some other activity to do) he got all bent out of shape with me when I declined again. I've been politely declining his plans... he only ever sends them via IM, so for just that reason I know I'm not valued. In an IM he asked what the heck was going on. Again, he asks, am I mad at him or something? (I tell him no, but really I mean, Yes, sex with you is lousy for me and I'm tired of wasting effort on a lost cause.) Why? Because I've rebuffed his overtures and it's been two months. I've been getting into the habit of just going online into a site's chatrooms and lingering around just to feel like I am with people - it's really pathetic behavior, because ultimately, it doesn't even give me any comfort. It has a small side effect of allowing me to be online and allowing others to view my profile for the site. (I did finally scrape something together for anew profile, but it's dark again for the moment as I try to regroup yet again.) So, I was was responding to Mr. A's IM chat while I was doing yet another weekend afternoon of living online. I was literally flat on my back, prostrate with no will to move and I have to put up with his nonsense accusations that I'm doing it on purpose to get him frazzled. I as much told him that I didn't appreciate that kind of BS accusation and I shut down the IM. Wonder of wonders, it's been about a week that I haven't opened the application up. I miss the communication with others that it offered, but it's a small step to cutting down the internet addiction.

Still thinking of Mr. W. In fact, I've been overly weepy about it. I just tell myself that I must be no good, that I can't possible be wanted. Look at my miserable failures with men! They only like having their needs met...I can't even get the touching that I need. Not a bite. Can't even imagine him missing me. Just wallowing while thinking of him all the time. I MISS HIM. I would go see him, to finish the plans I had to pass the book to him, pathetic attempt for closure, but I'd hate to see the look of contempt, of annoyance from him for going that far. It would crush me.


Idle thought that I'll soon have to change my outlook to how to live as a spinster. Grow old alone and unloved. Won't even have a body to offer, I'll be truly invisible.

The new guy hasn't worked out. Nothing from that one time, just some insipid messages. Even snarked a bit at me when I even mentioned that I wondered if he was really interested. Tells me "when i am not how bout i tell you" - But dude, it's not what you say, it's what you do. Yet another instance of the slow fade. Sigh. Just a lot of false ...well, can I even call it "hope"? I know that I saw it coming, but I do wish I was wrong, just a little bit.

I'm missing Mr. W. right now, this very instant. Just sad and sorrowful. But he's just a guy. I did come to that acceptance the other day. Pass a few tears, feel sorry for myself and trudge onwards. It's not gonna happen for me so learn to live without it...I'll just indulge in the luxury of shedding a few more tears just a little while longer.

Well, alone on a Friday night again.

I really shouldn't care, right?

Just disappointment.


I learned a bit how to convert online music videos into audio files. Funny, how once you can get a large quantity of something, you can't think straight to choose? I can't think of more than a handful of files that I'd even need to get.

Birthday's come and gone. Feeling kinda OLD, but not too bad, I guess. Concerned that the next milestone is just down the road a ways and then it'll be all "Where did the time go?!?" regrets.

Busy time since last post. Things have happened, but not sure if the attention span will last long enough to cover it all.

Mission to meet the new person a success...sort of. The meet progressed well; however he seems very white-collar, pretty tightly wrapped. Came through on most points of conversation, still failed on two, three things...almost four. Didn't make me feel completely "welcomed" is sorta the only way to describe it? Not overtly, but no closeness developed... perhaps as a result of first time meeting jitters. Also didn't see me the whole way through, so to speak. No message till late the following day... so have the wait and see attitude now if he'll continue respectful contact or just fade away. Verdict so far is only Good, not Great. Sigh. (And oh, look he just sent me a message, but the content was of no significance... so what to do with that now?!?)

The result of this all is that my mood is that I feel lonely right now... stuck listening to versions of Eric Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight" and wishing that someone had that caring regard in the song for me.

I hadn't felt as much pain these days for missing Mr. W. At least, I thought it might be under control, fading little by little perhaps, but it revived a bit as I put myself through the wringer again by thinking of him. Didn't do the surprise visit like I had thought of doing... I put it off in part because I know within me, or fear within me that it's a doomed gesture. I ... passed copies of health info that I'd gathered for him, to a coworker. It was the first time I'd looked through the small stack and as I looked it over, I did start to cry a little right then and there...sad that he wouldn't get care, that he wouldn't listen, that he left me. I cried again later after reading a few old emails again today, still keeping up with the daily review of the old emails, and I had sad thoughts again as a result.

Stress and more stress at work. I should really get back on the happy pills. Perhaps they'd uplift me again? At least keep the "I wish I was dead!" thoughts out of mind, the visions of slashing myself so that all my blood flows out taking all the pain with it too - lol, very melodramatic, isn't it?

Ms. S. wandered into hospital and they saw fit to keep her there. Huzzah! Now if only they can successfully treat her?! After all this drama, I'm just indifferent. I can't be responsible for her care at this point.

Tax time. I plugged in the software and got started on the filing for this year. Sigh. In excess of concern for his welfare, I broke down and emailed Mr. W to inform him of the available tax rebate for this year's income tax filers. Urged him to consider filing, to file for his mom too, with links and highlighted cut and pastes from the IRS site. No response...so it's at least the second email since, that has no reply or acknowledgement. Oh, Ow...


Was chatting with that last guy prospect a bit. He seems to be interested, and is very chatty...I'm just leery of believing it's all good news and stuff. He was hinting more and more that one should be open minded and that ALWAYS raises red flags. At this point, I've become expert at the faintest whiff of BS regarding what people have on their hookup minds.

Gotta wonder how things get solved in this life. I confess that I had a small personal problem. I occasionally noticed I had a odor problem in the VaJayjay area, period of time unknown - 8 months? 10 months?. Being that I wash up as a through scrubber - I'd wash, scrub and rinse things over thoroughly before meeting anyone where'd there'd be clothes removed - It was only a minor embarassment issue. I do have a gynecologist, and she'd helped me with all the major STD issues checked out just the other month. I'd mentioned a problem, plus a slight discharge, but she may have simply overlooked the problem in the surge to discount the potential majors that I might have been at risk for. So the problem continued. I looked up info online again, I had an idea that it was bacterial vaginosis because of the odor issue...and I read about 5 pages before I realized that I could treat it myself. I even read so well that I confirmed the diagnosis wih what was called a whiff test: a fishy odor will be produced if vaginal secretion is combined with semen or soap...no semen available, but soaping in the shower definitely resulted in this response on a fingertip. The cure was metronizadole and fantastically, it was stuff that one of the housecats was supposed to be on. No, I didn't take the cat's pills from the vet! The cat was prescribed it for a gut problem, and I'd picked up a bottle of 100 pills off of the internet that was supposed to treat a tropical fish disease (amusingly enough , it's intended to treat "hole-in-the-head disease.) It's exactly the same stuff. I've checked it out online by viewing pictures of the pills on pharmacy sites, sites that specifically exist to identify pills and theirshapes, colors and codes, and with examination of the uncut pills from the vet's office. At the price, the 100 pills was cheaper than the $8.00 for 10 from the vet's office. I read more pages on the internet looking for dosage and eventually found it at 500 mg so I went with 2 250 mg pills for a week...3-4 days later the problem is gone.

I give up. There's no goodness out there anymore. I was in contact with one more guy and things had actually progressed better than the usual scum floating on the online dating pool. He seemed positive, and I even let myself anticipate going forward with this. Then, just like the others, I get the cancel communique. Sigh. In the actual moment it just hurt a little, I was deflated as I listened to him tell me it's not anything we spoke about, it's not you, we'll reschedule and still do this, he'll make it up to me...I wasn't even having that numbess response. I mean, at best I'd been hoping for a "can't wait to see you" message, a "looking forward to it message"...only to get the slapdown again.

I couldn't even process the pain yet, it's only now seeping out a little. What's the point of yelling and screaming...I don't even know the guy to even miss him. I guess that I will take that break I was considering: I'd taken his message as just one more chance before going on a hiatus. No better excuse than this turn of events, no?

Had one Mr. W. trigger that almost set me off...thinking of his ocean pic again. It's all I have left. It's all that I have left! It's all that I have left...