No enthusiasm to post for a long, long time now. There's days that I felt that I should post, but settling down to do the actual typing was just too much trouble.

Lots of work at the job. Just more stress day after day, running in place to get things done. I finally got a raise this year and an actual bonus rather than just a simple week's pay. Still I often feel ike it's not worth it at all. I dream of just quitting, walking away and living like a bum at home. I have a little money, I could leach off others for quite some time I'm sure...it'd be totally abnormal behavior for me though, to stay inactive. Myabe if I was someone's housewife or girlfriend it would work, god knows that I am easily distracted by the nerdiest, mundane stuff after all. Keeping a set of pots shining clean, cooking meals that take all day to prep, loads of laundry to get everything clean at one shot. In my past life, I must have been a domestic drudge...

Let's see: what's to update? I still miss Mr. W. The longing is less intense, but I still weep at times. Recently, I used the postal zip code finder the other day to complete the partial address I had for him: I put him on the mailing list for some OCD info from the NYC Health Dept. Figured, he's gonna get all spooked about getting it from out of the blue and all, but oh well. I still have not mailed him the other items that I had out of fear that they would get lost in the mail. He's often in my thoughts; I saw some broad shoulders the other day in a video and I ached for him. I read an article about a bus accident in his area of S.I. When I Googled up the view and found that the street mappers had been in that part of town, thanks to the power of the internet...I can see the building he lives in AND his vehicle. It matches the few pics he'd sent to me in the past to show some construction that was happening in his neighborhood. I'm a stalker extraordinare now. Some sad accomplishment there!

I'd met a few people too. I did the lazy thing and saw Mr. A. again. He's really just no good for me and I need to find some way to just tell him it's not working. He had an injury in the winter and was unable to travel much; I didn't even check up on him. More often that not I told him I wasn't interested in his plans and he'd just back off meekly. He was all gung-ho when we finally did get together that he even went out of his way to try new things, but it just wasn't any use to me. I'm just so intolerant of his lack of skills these days! At most he talks to me, but it's not what fulfills me.

I met another chat person, Mr. TM and he was a better experience, but of course it's short supply. He's older and higher class I suppose...slumming it a bit and looking for thrills. He pleased me, but of course I can't ever have what I want: Always too busy for poor, giving me. Setting meets and breaking them: one request, I had the flu, for crying out loud! I feel it's no use with no communication in over a month and it's not what I signed up for.

A friend, Mrs. F, tried to do me a good deed, a favor, by setting me up with the son of a friend of her mom's, Mr. D. She'd asked if I had any interest about a year ago, and I'd demurred thinking I wasn't presentable as a candidate for anyone. Well, she brought it up again and out of a need for a change I said ok, I'll try it. The guy seemed to be game to try and we even went on a Sunday movie date. Not only does he have wandering hands on me, but he starts professing need for me in his life and would I have his child(?!) and all this in the space of 2-3 weeks. The problem is eventually revealed that he's a nutjob, a stereotypical postal worker nutjob. The decay starts showing right away: we get off to a bad start physically, and he starts to lecture me on weight and lifestyle, but not for my health but for me to be healthy in order to be able to be with him later on in life! This veiled talk reads to me as he's not happy with me as I am and I am devastated to hear it. Fooled again, and no, there's no fairy tale ending, it's not going to be THAT easy to be normal. I gave him further chances even as he displayed mental health issues as interest in mental illnesses, repressed anger, passive/aggressive behaviors that any one of them should have been a dealbreaker. I even invited him to meet the family over Chinese New Year and the jerk stood me up...stood my whole family up!! There were more lame attempts to stay in contact, but the last ended as stupidly as the rest...he initiated a conversation and then just didn't return a call. What a waste of time.

In the chat world, a small side note. Mr. Fade said hello again. Two people from the past sent hello's my way but didn't realize we'd met. One was the Cowboy and the other was the Yuppie Jerk. I actually replied to Cowboy with a reply of thanks, but no thanks - I'd rather keep the scant good memories of him. And Yuppie Jerk was just "Thank you, but no." Sometimes I have felt temptation to check out Cowboy again, but am way leery as he's probably a hot mess and Yuppie Jerk took all my restraint to not tell him who I was and that he was an idiot. Karma, baby! I wonder if I will hear from Mr. P or Mr. W. then...what are my odds? Perhaps only when I no longer care.

In between all the other bullshit happening today, I stop to read an article about a French film/book called "Le Cliente". It centers around the new acceptance in French culture of older women getting a sexual revolution: they're going after the sex for pleasure. That's the gist of the article...Well, I read down to the last section and the characters in the book are described: the female protagonist's name is Mr. W's pet name for me. I just welled up and cried right there.

Not keeping current with posts. Some neutral days and some severely distressed days in the mix. I still miss him - the 1 year gone date passed and the week leading up was tough to get through. I feel pretty hopeless and stuck thinking that's the best I was ever going to get. Look at the dregs that I have to compare it with!

more advice column trimmings:

I know it's hard to walk away from someone you love, but it's time to start thinking about walking toward something better. You deserve a man who loves you just as passionately as you love him. When you find it, you will see that reciprocated love is so much more deep and fulfilling than one-sided love.

I realized the other day that Mr. W. sent me that Dear Jane email on his birthday. He would say that to him, holidays are just another day, but maybe that was part of why he was so down? Reading his emails made me cry again. I don't mean to give life to false hope but he also wrote about my helping him being connected with my seeing him; that if we weren't then there was no reason to help him. I would still want to help him, even if I was doing it just to make myself feel good about it, but the way the situation is I can't help him if he won't even do anything. Stupid OCD.

Had another chat flake-out. I knew it would. He was just some guy that was rude from the start. Then he had the nerve to strike up conversation and didn't even remember that he was rude before. I was in the mood to just go ahead with it all, but with no further message from him, it was unlikely to go anywhere. So, stood up on a Friday again. I didn't even prep I was so sure of this happening.

I'm at work and just overwhelmed by lack of desire to do anything. I just feel so sad. And now I'm crying again... I miss you.

Today it's a year since I saw Mr. W.

Maybe I'm doing better, or I've yet to come to terms with it. I feel sadness, but am not crying over it.

Nothing's eve come of the wild schemes to go see him. I know that I'm afraid of more hurt if it went wrong...

I just feel inert and quiet.

Running out of old emails from Mr. W. to re-read. I try and remember what I had felt a year ago when I read them for the first time, while it was happening. The incident with this last "disappear" loser guy has shaken my confidence badly. I have to admit that I was quite blindsided by the casual cruelty that some people can have. If I give my all, what does it mean when it's so utterly rejected?

I think back to the times Mr. W. kissed my neck from behind...it actually happened twice. The first time, I was in utter shock...it was a fantasy approach that was being fulfilled and internally I was exulting that it was happening without Mr. W. ever having a clue that I was having a geek moment! The second time I still was hyper aware of it happening, yet I was able to just enjoy the moment. I was able to think that I could have that thrill in that moment ...no, that I could deserve to enjoy it? Only now it's taken away from me.

I'm probably in denial...I try to convince myelf that I'm not even angry with him, that I'm just sad that he chose to go away. Even if he reconciled with me (off in fantasy land again) I know that I would not be able to stay with him. It doesn't stop me from suffering.

I miss him. I don't have any joy anymore. Things are pretty bleak.

What if it was my only opportunity? I'm in a cruel stroke of midnight transformation in a ways...the PCOS is taking hold again, I can't stop aging of course...what if that's all I get?

I'm so lonely.